Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Oh, absolutely—what better choice for national leadership than someone who’s practically a walking financial cautionary tale? The economy? Who cares if it cratered under his watch—clearly, that was just creative chaos. Real visionaries tank GDPs, right? And those 34 felony convictions? Pure political persecution! Because, obviously, only the truly innocent get convicted on every single charge. It’s just the system being jealous of his “success.” Multiple bankruptcies? That’s not a red flag; it’s a business strategy! Who needs solvency when you’ve got swagger?

Besides, nothing screams “reliable economic steward” like being banned from running a charity for misusing funds. That’s just next-level fiscal innovation. And if you squint really hard while ignoring facts, logic, and history, he starts to look like a genius—albeit the kind that needs constant legal representation.

But it’s not about qualifications anymore—it’s about vibes. And nothing vibes harder than putting the national checkbook back in the hands of a guy who’s treated courtrooms like second homes. If failing upward were an Olympic sport, he’d already have a gold medal—possibly pawned, but still. Reelect him? Of course. Because what this country really needs is more reckless chaos dressed up as “tough leadership.”