Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Oh, thank you, GOP. Truly—thank you for setting the record straight. For too long, we labored under the illusion that phrases like “liberty and justice for all” actually meant everyone. Silly us. But you—brave champions of selective freedom—have heroically reminded us that equality was never really meant to be universal. It’s comforting to know that someone is finally correcting the historical oversight of progress.

We now understand that rights are privileges—distributed on a need-to-be-entitled basis. Women, minorities, immigrants, the LGBTQ+ community—how selfish of them to think they deserved equal treatment under the law. But fear not! With surgical precision, you’ve managed to peel back those pesky layers of progress and return us to a time when power was simpler, whiter, and let’s be honest—more exclusive.

Thank you for teaching us that the Constitution is a buffet—you pick what suits you, and ignore the rest. We applaud your tireless efforts to preserve traditional values: inequality, disenfranchisement, and good old-fashioned control.

Really, it’s so refreshing to watch the arc of history bend—not toward justice—but neatly back into its original, exclusionary mold. Bravo, GOP. Your commitment to historical accuracy is both chilling and inspiring. What would we do without you?