Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Oh, rejoice, fellow citizens, for we are living through the grand rebranding of America—from a messy, democratic republic into the sleek, corporate juggernaut known as United States of America, Inc.™! Who needs facts, nuance, or independent thought when you can have algorithms, stock options, and a 24/7 pipeline of clickbait?

First up on the chopping block? Public broadcasting, obviously. Because nothing screams “free market utopia” like pulling the plug on the last media outlets still talking about, oh I don’t know, actual news. Why keep PBS and NPR afloat when we could all just binge-watch influencer “news analysts” on TikTok and get our foreign policy updates between skincare tutorials?

And let’s not forget the bigger picture—this isn’t just about saving a few bucks. Oh no, it’s a masterclass in starving anything that doesn’t turn a profit or push a narrative. Gutting public media? That’s just step one in the great initiative to turn information into a subscription service—or better yet, a loyalty program where truth points are awarded based on how closely your beliefs align with the government’s “preferred messaging.”

Meanwhile, billionaires buy up media outlets like trading cards, and the average citizen is left choosing between state-aligned cable infotainment or conspiracy YouTube channels filmed in someone’s basement. It’s all very chic. Very 21st century.

So yes, let’s hear it for the administration’s bold vision: a future where everything—from healthcare to headlines—is privatized, monetized, and sanitized for your algorithmic consumption. Dissent? Too expensive. Debate? Bad for the brand. Critical thinking? Please, that’s not in the quarterly report.

Welcome to America, Inc. Land of the free (trial version), home of the brave (terms and conditions apply).