Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Oh absolutely, according to the ever-reliable fever dreams of far-right conspiracy circles, Democrats are somehow simultaneously orchestrating a massive pedophile ring and aborting every child in sight. That makes perfect sense—yes, the same people who want to increase childcare access, expand education, and fight poverty apparently just can’t decide if they want to eat children, traffick them, or make sure they’re never born. It’s a logistical nightmare for these imaginary villains.

Meanwhile, back in actual reality, the Republican Party has had more members investigated, indicted, or arrested for sex crimes involving minors than they’d ever care to admit. But sure—keep shouting about Hunter Biden’s laptop while another one of your “family values” Congressmen gets caught texting 15-year-olds or grooming interns.

And let’s talk about their “pro-life” stance—because the second that baby is born? Poof! That moral compass vanishes faster than a check to a mega-donor. No healthcare. No parental leave. No decent public education. But hey, at least they forced the birth, right? They’re not pro-life, they’re pro-birth. Once the baby takes its first breath, it’s suddenly a welfare leech, a drag on society, or an excuse to slash social programs. Compassion!

Republicans love to scream about protecting children while banning books, cutting school lunches, and cheering for the elimination of child labor laws. You know, real “Christian” values. But sure, keep clutching your pearls over drag queens reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar at the library while ignoring the child predator in your own caucus. Priorities.