Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Oh, isn’t this just precious? Donald Trump, the self-proclaimed master of law and order, has decided that Washington, D.C. is now his personal fiefdom because—brace yourself for this national emergency—one of his loyal lapdogs got carjacked by a group of teenagers. Forget the fact that crime in D.C. has actually been trending down. Forget that data, FBI statistics, and local law enforcement have all been pointing out that violent crime has dropped. No, no, no—this isn’t about facts. This is about feelings. Specifically, the tender, delicate feelings of Trump’s inner circle when they discover that, yes, sometimes the world isn’t a Mar-a-Lago cocktail party and bad things happen.

So naturally, the only reasonable response to this personal inconvenience is to seize federal control of the entire city. This isn’t about governance; this is about the Trump Doctrine: “If something bad happens to me or my friends, everyone else has to suffer.” A couple of teens with bad decision-making skills commit a carjacking? Send in the troops! Roll out the tanks! Position snipers on the monuments! We’re apparently one stolen car away from full martial law now.

And the best part—the pièce de résistance—is how this little stunt shatters one of Trump’s favorite lies about January 6th. Remember back then, when the Capitol was literally under siege, police were being beaten, and democracy itself was hanging by a thread? Trump insisted with the confidence of a man who has never read a civics book that he couldn’t activate the National Guard because it wasn’t under his control. “Oh, that’s up to the mayor,” he claimed, shrugging like a guy who just “forgot” his homework. But now? Suddenly, he’s saying that activating the National Guard is 100% within his presidential power—so much so that he can do it because his buddy’s Escalade got jacked. Fascinating how the rules change when his ego’s on the line instead of the Constitution.

This little flip-flop is like watching a toddler explain why it’s totally okay for them to eat ice cream for breakfast today when yesterday they swore it was against the rules. Except the toddler isn’t holding nuclear codes. Trump’s entire political career is built on this kind of self-serving contradiction: when accountability is needed, he’s powerless; when personal vengeance is needed, he’s suddenly a one-man Department of Everything.

But let’s call this what it really is: a show of force masquerading as public safety. It’s not about keeping D.C. safe—it’s about keeping Trump looking “tough” for his base, the same crowd that cheers every time he pretends to be a strongman. It’s theater, and like all of Trump’s productions, it’s badly written, factually inaccurate, and about 90 minutes too long.

So yes, Washington, D.C., congratulations. You are now the backdrop for another one of Trump’s ego trips. The National Guard isn’t here because the city is in danger; they’re here because the President’s feelings got carjacked. And in proving his ability to deploy them at will, he’s also proved—quite accidentally—that his January 6th excuse was just another lie. Which, honestly, is the only consistent thing about him.

If nothing else, this moment will go down as the time a stolen SUV did more to reveal the truth than an entire congressional investigation.