Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Oh, what a glorious spectacle of “diplomacy” we’re about to witness—Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin sitting down in Alaska to carve up Ukraine like it’s a Costco rotisserie chicken. Because nothing screams “international legitimacy” like two guys with absolutely no right to the land in question deciding who gets which slice. Imagine your neighbor has broken into your house, set up camp in your living room, and is now negotiating with some random guy from down the block on whether he keeps your kitchen or your bedroom. You? The actual homeowner? Don’t even get a seat at the table. Congratulations—you’ve just been “liberated” from the burden of making decisions about your own property.

The logic here is breathtaking. Trump, a man who couldn’t negotiate his way out of a paper bag without a Sharpie and a camera crew, sitting across from Putin, a dictator who’s been salivating over Ukraine like a mobster eyeing a neighborhood pizza joint. And together, they’ll decide what’s “fair.” Maybe Putin gets Kyiv, Trump gets naming rights to Mariupol (“Trump Tower East”), and Ukraine gets… well, a polite round of applause for existing. That’s balance, right?

It’s the geopolitical equivalent of a mugger and a wannabe reality-TV landlord deciding how to split your jewelry. And, naturally, Trump will claim he’s achieved “the greatest peace deal in history, maybe ever, nobody’s ever seen anything like it.” Sure, peace—but only after Ukraine has been carved into bite-sized pieces and served up on a gold-plated platter. And his base will cheer, because nothing says “America First” like selling out a democracy to the guy who helped you with a couple of elections.

Let’s not forget the venue: Alaska. The perfect place for two men stuck in Cold War cosplay to puff their chests while carving up someone else’s future. It’s as if history is a bad reality show and we’ve all been forced to binge-watch the reruns. Ukraine will be screaming from the sidelines: “Hey, that’s our land, our sovereignty, our people!” And Trump will wave them off with his usual “Don’t worry, we’ve got a deal—everyone’s saying it’s a tremendous deal, even Putin thinks so.”

So, yes, the future of Ukraine decided by Trump and Putin is like your neighbor and a squatter negotiating which of your kids’ bedrooms they’ll be sleeping in. Spoiler alert: you’re not getting the master suite back.