Dwain Northey (Gen X)

🚨 PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM YOUR FRIENDLY GEOGRAPHY DEPARTMENT 🚨

Attention, ICE: before you go bragging about rounding up people who “aren’t American,” let’s crack open this radical new invention called a map. Spoiler alert—“America” isn’t just the shiny stars-and-stripes chunk you patrol with SUVs and bad attitudes. Nope. From the frosty tips of Nunavut, Canada, all the way down to the windswept bottom of Argentina, it’s all the Americas. That means Canadians, Mexicans, Guatemalans, Colombians, Brazilians, Chileans, and yes—even that nice abuela selling tamales on the corner—are all Americans. Shocking, I know. Try to breathe.

See, “American” is a continental identity, not some exclusive club card handed out by Homeland Security after a background check and a pledge to never criticize baseball. The fact that ICE runs around shouting about who does and doesn’t count as “American” is like a toddler insisting only their Legos are real Legos. Cute, if it weren’t backed by handcuffs, jail cells, and a disturbing lack of self-awareness.

So let’s get precise. You’re not rounding up “non-Americans.” You’re rounding up non-U.S. citizens. Big difference. One is a factual description; the other is a geography fail on par with thinking Africa is a country. But hey, why let truth get in the way of fearmongering, right?

So next time ICE feels the urge to thump its chest about “protecting Americans,” maybe specify which ones. Because last time I checked, every single person from Canada to Argentina has just as much right to call themselves American as Uncle Sam. Geography doesn’t lie—even if ICE does.