Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Ah yes, Texas—the land where everything is bigger, including the audacity of its GOP leaders. These stalwart defenders of “election integrity” (translation: making sure only the right people’s votes count) may soon need more than a cowboy hat and a pickup truck to get around safely. After all, when you’ve spent years fine-tuning the art of gerrymandering, suppressing voter turnout, and inventing rules that would make Kafka blush, your constituents might not exactly be lining up to send you homemade casseroles. No, they might just be sharpening their side-eye and whispering, “We didn’t vote for you, buddy, because you made sure we couldn’t.”

So what’s a Texas GOP leader to do? Easy: call in the cavalry—literally. Forget your average security detail; these folks may want the National Guard patrolling their gated communities like it’s the Alamo 2.0. Why settle for a couple of burly bodyguards when you can have Humvees and helicopters circling overhead every time you step out for brisket? Because let’s face it: if you’ve successfully redefined democracy into a choose-your-own-winner adventure, you’re not exactly going to want to stand alone in the Whataburger parking lot without some backup.

Of course, the irony is delicious. These same leaders who scream about “small government” and “fiscal responsibility” would be the first to demand taxpayer-funded battalions just to keep their own neighbors from side-eyeing them too hard at Sunday service. Nothing says “man of the people” like needing a platoon of camo-clad twenty-year-olds to hold back the very voters whose voices you worked so hard to muffle.

And it’s not paranoia if you’ve actually built the system this way. Deep down, even these politicians know you can only gaslight democracy for so long before democracy starts giving you the stink eye back. That’s why every press conference is delivered from behind a fortress of flags, podiums, and carefully screened “supporters” who mysteriously all look like they just walked out of central casting for a campaign ad.

So yes, Texas GOP leaders may very well require the National Guard—not because the people are rioting in the streets (yet), but because nothing screams guilty conscience quite like needing a tank to pick up your dry cleaning. If you have to rule by fear of your own electorate, maybe, just maybe, it’s because you know you didn’t actually win their votes—you just confiscated them.