Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Ah yes, the trusty old “both sides do it” line—the universal remote control of political excuses. It doesn’t matter if one side commits full-blown arson and the other side forgets to blow out a candle, because hey, technically both involve fire. This is the rhetorical equivalent of saying jaywalking and armed robbery are the same thing because, you know, laws were technically broken.

Let’s start with the Trump lie machine. The man produces falsehoods with the efficiency of a TikTok feed—lies per minute are off the charts. But if Joe Biden stumbles once over the word “statistics”? Oh, that’s clearly equivalent to a thousand Trump fabrications about, say, injecting bleach or Mexico paying for a wall. It’s the same, folks. Biden mangled a syllable, Trump mangled democracy—balance achieved.

Immigration? Even better. Suggest that detaining migrants in conditions resembling concentration camps might be problematic, and suddenly the Both Sides Police come running: “Well, FDR interned Japanese Americans during World War II!” Right, because if someone drives their car off a cliff in 1942, we’re supposed to shrug when someone else does it today. That’s like saying, “Why get mad about your neighbor stealing your lawnmower? Genghis Khan stole whole countries. Perspective, people!”

And oh, the Clintons. Bill Clinton lied about sex—taboo, scandal, endless impeachment. According to both-sides logic, that’s exactly the same as Trump egging on an insurrection. Because, really, what’s the difference between misleading America about a consensual affair and encouraging a mob to literally hunt the Vice President? Apples and oranges? No, more like apples and nuclear warheads—but sure, both are fruit, so we’re good.

Want more examples? If a Democrat spills their coffee, it’s a full-on caffeine coup against the republic. If a Republican torches the Constitution, well, that’s just passionate patriotism. If AOC rolls her eyes too hard during a hearing, it’s disrespect bordering on treason. If Marjorie Taylor Greene talks about Jewish space lasers? Oh, that’s just “colorful rhetoric.” See? Balance.

And nothing illustrates this sham better than January 6th. We watched a mob beat cops with flagpoles, break into the Capitol, and chant about hanging elected officials—all while being told it was just “legitimate political discourse.” Meanwhile, if a progressive protester sneezes near a government building, it’s branded domestic terrorism. One side builds gallows; the other side builds cardboard signs. Totally the same thing.

This is the sleight of hand of both-sides-ism: it flattens everything into a bland mush where genuine crimes are no worse than trivial gaffes. It’s like comparing accidentally stepping on someone’s foot to deliberately amputating their leg. Or treating spilling milk in the kitchen as equal to burning the entire neighborhood down while screaming “FREEDOM!”

So next time someone puffs out their chest and says, “Well, both sides do it,” just nod politely and remember: one side occasionally forgets to take out the trash. The other side has set the garbage truck on fire and is driving it into the town square. But hey—trash is trash, right?