Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Corporations Are People? Sure, and I’m Best Friends With ExxonMobil

Back in 2010, five Supreme Court justices decided to cosplay as corporate lobbyists and handed us Citizens United v. FEC. The ruling? Corporations are basically people, and money is basically speech. Cue the champagne popping in boardrooms and the collective groan from the rest of us. Ever since, our elections have looked less like democratic contests and more like an open-air auction where Goldman Sachs shows up with a black card and buys the whole tent.

Of course, Mitt Romney captured the spirit of this nonsense perfectly with his unforgettable declaration: “Corporations are people, my friends.” Oh, really, Mitt? Then let’s play this out. If corporations are people, does Walmart get to vote twice because it’s technically incorporated in Delaware and headquartered in Arkansas? Does Chevron get jury duty? Does Amazon send its kids to the local public school, or just buy the entire school board outright?

Picture it: ExxonMobil out mowing the lawn on a Saturday morning, GE paying alimony, Pfizer waiting in line at the DMV. I can’t wait for JPMorgan Chase to show up at Thanksgiving dinner and ruin it for everyone. Because nothing says “the spirit of democracy” like Uncle Bank of America giving a drunken speech about tax loopholes.

But here’s the kicker—these “people” don’t have lungs to breathe, hearts to break, or bills they can’t pay at the end of the month. They don’t bleed, they don’t die, and they sure as hell don’t show up at the ballot box like you or me. They exist for one reason: profit. By giving corporations the same political rights as individuals, Citizens United basically put dollar signs in charge of the megaphone and shoved the rest of us into the cheap seats.

The ruling’s defenders insist that money is speech. Which, fine, but if money is speech, then Jeff Bezos is Shakespeare, Elon Musk is Winston Churchill, and the rest of us are mumbling into soup cans tied to string. Your $20 donation? That’s not speech, that’s whispering into a hurricane funded by billionaire vanity projects.

And Super PACs? Oh yes, they’re “independent,” the Court said. Right. Independent the same way your dog is independent when he’s sitting under the table drooling for scraps. The coordination between candidates and their billionaire backers is so blatant it deserves an Emmy.

Let’s be clear: individuals already had free speech. Nothing stopped Mitt Romney, Jeff Bezos, or your Uncle Larry from writing letters to the editor or standing in a park with a bullhorn. What Citizens United did was grant corporations—fictional entities designed to shield liability—political rights they never earned. It’s like giving your toaster voting rights just because you plug it into the wall.

If we ever want democracy to mean “one person, one vote” again instead of “one corporation, one dump truck of cash,” Citizens United has to go. Congress and the states need to take back the ability to limit outside money, to make space for reforms like public financing and transparency laws that aren’t immediately drowned in billionaire pocket change.

Because here’s the truth: corporations are not people. They don’t tuck their kids into bed, they don’t cry at funerals, and they sure as hell don’t care if your town’s drinking water is poisoned—unless, of course, it hurts the stock price.

So no, Mitt. Corporations aren’t people. They’re not our friends. They’re the guy at the party who shows up, drinks all the beer, calls an Uber, and then sends you the bill for the house.