Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Oh, what a time to be alive! If you were worried that America had forgotten how to “win,” fear not—the current administration has turned winning into a contact sport. The scoreboard is lighting up like a slot machine in Vegas, and baby, the jackpots just keep rolling in. Forget boring old things like stability, trust in government, or a functioning economy—those are relics of a less “winning” era. Today, we’re drowning in victories so enormous you can barely breathe between all the confetti cannons of chaos.

Let’s start with the unemployment rate—a true triumph. Nothing screams prosperity quite like more people out of work. It’s as if the administration decided that having a job is too mainstream, too predictable. So, naturally, they’ve spiced it up by making millions of Americans dust off their résumés and rediscover the joys of applying to Indeed listings for “assistant to the assistant manager.” Because what’s better than gainful employment? The thrill of uncertainty! Who needs a steady paycheck when you can have the adrenaline rush of wondering how you’ll pay rent each month? That’s called character-building, and this administration is delivering it in bulk.

Then there’s inflation—oh, the crown jewel of economic strategy. The dollar is stretching like a piece of old chewing gum, and every trip to the grocery store feels like playing “The Price is Right” on hard mode. Bacon? That’ll cost you a car payment. Eggs? Might as well mortgage your house. But don’t worry, it’s all part of the grand plan. Inflation is just the government’s way of encouraging Americans to embrace minimalism. Who really needs to eat three meals a day anyway? Winning!

Of course, we can’t forget the increase in political violence. If democracy is a family, then this administration is hosting the world’s loudest Thanksgiving dinner, complete with knives being thrown across the table. Polarization? Off the charts. Threats? A dime a dozen. Public officials can’t even sneeze without someone accusing them of treason. But hey, what’s a little civil unrest between friends? After all, nothing unites a country like being at each other’s throats. Think of it as a team-building exercise, except the “team” is America, and the exercise involves Molotov cocktails. Another W in the column!

And let’s not overlook the general uncertainty that’s become the air we breathe. No one knows what’s going to happen tomorrow—will it be a stock market crash? A foreign policy blunder? Another cabinet official indicted? Who knows! It’s like living in a reality TV show where the plot twists are written by a committee of caffeinated toddlers. Sure, uncertainty makes planning for the future impossible, but who wants predictability when you can live every day on the edge of your seat? That’s excitement, folks. That’s winning.

So let’s give credit where credit is due. This administration promised “so much winning you’ll get tired of winning.” Well, mission accomplished. The unemployment rate is up, inflation is up, violence is up, anxiety is up—everything is up except, of course, national morale. But hey, you can’t have it all.

Let’s not forget, dear Donald’s latest blunder claiming that 300 million Americans died from drug deaths in the last year; that’s amazing considering that our population is only 340 million.

America: the land of the free, the home of the brave, and now, the undisputed heavyweight champion of “winning.” Too bad the prize is a flaming dumpster.