Dwain Northey (Gen X)

If George Carlin were alive today, the poor bastard wouldn’t be on HBO—he’d be on some FBI watch list. Forget late-night specials; he’d be lucky to make it to the grocery store without a caravan of MAGA hats following him around screaming “FAKE NEWS” and “ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE.” Because let’s be honest: Carlin’s act wasn’t about safe little jokes you could tell at the dinner table. He dismantled power structures, shredded religion, laughed in the face of nationalism, and pointed out the hypocrisy of politicians. And the Trump-era GOP? They don’t want comedy—they want worship services. Preferably with laughter tracks provided by Fox News.

These folks love to brag about their devotion to “free speech.” Oh yes, they’ll fight to the death for your right to say anything you want—as long as it’s “Build the Wall!” or “Lock Her Up!” The minute you point out their contradictions, though, suddenly free speech has “gone too far” and must be canceled to preserve the Republic. Carlin, with his whole routine about the Ten Commandments being a glorified to-do list, would have Mike Johnson calling for his execution by sundown.

Imagine Carlin doing a set today: “So the guy who cheated on all three of his wives, paid off porn stars, and stole nuclear secrets from the government is your moral compass? Congratulations, America—you’ve officially turned your presidency into an episode of Jerry Springer.” You think that would fly on Fox News? No, they’d run a chyron that says GEORGE CARLIN HATES JESUS AND AMERICA and call for his deportation. Deportation to where, you ask? Doesn’t matter. They’ll find a place.

And let’s not kid ourselves—this is a movement that thinks violence is just another campaign strategy. Do we really believe Carlin could shred Trump and walk away unscathed? They’d either assassinate him or, at the very least, “accidentally” forget to provide him Secret Service protection while a militia rally just happened to be taking place outside. After all, in a country where politicians can’t even survive a routine campaign stop without gunfire, what chance does a foul-mouthed comedian have when he’s actively mocking the golden calf of MAGA?

Because here’s the truth: the modern GOP doesn’t want comedy. They want propaganda with a punchline. They love “jokes” when it’s just cruelty disguised as humor: mocking immigrants, mocking women, mocking LGBTQ people, mocking anyone who doesn’t genuflect before Trump. That’s not comedy—that’s bullying. Real comedy, the kind Carlin thrived on, points the finger at the powerful. And pointing the finger at the powerful is exactly what gets you erased in authoritarian climates.

So no, George Carlin wouldn’t “survive” in today’s America—not as a public figure anyway. He’d be canceled, harassed, maybe worse. Which is ironic, isn’t it? The very people who cry about “cancel culture” are the ones who would happily cancel comedy itself. Unless, of course, the joke is on someone else. Then it’s hilarious.

But that’s the new American model: free speech for me, silence for thee. And in a world where truth is the first casualty, Carlin’s kind of comedy is the second.