Dwain Northey (Gen X)

If you tried to sketch a Venn diagram of our current era, you’d probably snap your pencil in half before you finished, simply out of despair. On one side: right-wing fundamentalism, a bubbling stew of half-baked theology, paranoid nationalism, and a fanatical devotion to banning books while worshipping guns. On another side: the top one percent, those benevolent overlords who hoard wealth like dragons yet insist they’re “job creators,” as if your part-time DoorDash gig is thanks to their divine generosity. On the third side: the dazzling explosion of technology, medicine, and information—tools that should have catapulted us into Star Trek utopia, but instead have been repurposed to sell us overpriced gadgets, keep us scrolling, and harvest our attention like it’s just another cash crop.

And right in the middle of this Venn diagram? The Stupidest Timeline.

Circle One: Right-Wing Fundamentalism.

A movement that claims to love freedom but obsesses over which bathrooms people use. That howls about “indoctrination” while demanding schools replace science with Sunday school sermons. That insists America is the “greatest country in the world” but is perpetually terrified of drag queens, vaccines, and solar panels. Their theology is less “love thy neighbor” and more “vote for the guy who promises to make your neighbor illegal.”

Circle Two: The One Percent.

Ah yes, our lords and saviors. The folks who own ten yachts but are offended by the concept of a living wage. Who build rocket ships not to explore the cosmos, but to escape paying taxes. Who lobby to gut healthcare and education while publicly posting inspirational quotes about “hard work” on LinkedIn. They don’t just buy politicians—they put them on layaway.

Circle Three: Technology, Information, Medicine.

We cracked the human genome, but can’t crack the code of affordable insulin. We invented the internet, the single greatest tool for sharing knowledge, and promptly used it to argue with strangers about whether birds are real. We created artificial intelligence that can write symphonies, solve equations, and generate art—and what do we use it for? Deepfaking celebrities and writing corporate emails faster.

The Overlap: The Stupidest Timeline.

So here we are, standing proudly in the middle. The place where billionaires bankroll preachers who tell us climate change isn’t real, while wildfires turn half the country into Mordor. Where medical breakthroughs that could save millions are locked behind a paywall more impenetrable than the Berlin Wall. Where technology meant to connect us has instead radicalized half the population into thinking Bill Gates microchipped them through vaccines.

This is not the golden age of humanity. This is the age where we could colonize Mars, but we can’t even fix the potholes on Main Street. The age where we can edit DNA but can’t edit out the idea that the Earth is 6,000 years old. The age where you can 3D-print an entire house but still have to Venmo your doctor after a trip to the ER because your insurance plan has a $10,000 deductible.

Congratulations, humanity: you’ve somehow assembled all the pieces to build a utopia, and then used them to construct a funhouse mirror version of dystopia instead.

Possible Solutions (a.k.a. The “Get Out of Stupid Free” Card)

Satire is fun, but unless we want the Stupidest Timeline to become the Only Timeline, we need exits. Some obvious, some radical, but all doable if people stop treating democracy like a spectator sport.

De-fund Fundamentalism. Separate church and state like your life depends on it—because it does. No tax breaks for megachurches that act like political action committees. No public dollars for pseudo-science curriculums. Faith is fine; theocracy is not.

De-oligarch the Economy. Close tax loopholes so billionaires actually pay more than their assistants. Break up monopolies that strangle competition and innovation. Treat corporate lobbying like the bribery it is. A system that rewards hoarding over contribution is designed to collapse.

Reclaim Technology. Algorithms should serve the public, not dopamine-addicted shareholders. Treat access to the internet and healthcare innovations as public goods, not luxury products. If AI can replace millions of jobs, then the profits from that efficiency must fund universal basic income, not another yacht for Jeff Bezos.

Rebuild Civic Muscle. Authoritarianism thrives on apathy. That means voting in every election, local or national. It means grassroots organizing. It means demanding accountability, not shrugging and doomscrolling while billionaires and zealots rearrange the furniture of society.

Redefine Progress. Stop fetishizing GDP and start measuring quality of life—healthcare access, education, environmental sustainability, equity. A society isn’t rich if its people are poor in health, knowledge, or dignity.

Will these fixes be easy? Of course not. But neither is living in the dumbest version of history, where we use the pinnacle of human advancement to livestream our own decline. The solutions exist—we just need the collective willpower to choose wisdom over stupidity, courage over convenience, and humanity over profit.

Because the only thing worse than living in the Stupidest Timeline is choosing to stay here.