Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Donald Trump, also known as the Orange Menace, stood before cameras during his campaign and swore up and down that he knew nothing about Project 2025. Never heard of it. Didn’t read it. Couldn’t spell it if you spotted him the “P” and the “r.” He practically gave it the Mariah Carey “I don’t know her” treatment.

Of course, Democrats everywhere rolled their eyes so hard we risked spraining optic nerves. Because let’s be honest: the very same man who swears he’s unfamiliar with Project 2025 is now governing with what looks suspiciously like its table of contents taped to the Oval Office wall. And, shocker of shockers, the Heritage Foundation–crafted demolition derby of American democracy is being implemented piece by executive piece. Surprise? Not in the least. Terrified about how much damage he can rack up before we claw our way back? Absolutely.

Step One: Break the Machinery

On Day One, Donnie signed an executive order freezing new regulations, torching Biden-era rules, and generally handing federal agencies a “Gone Fishing” sign. This just happens to be exactly what Project 2025 prescribes: weaken the bureaucracy so the President can run the country like a particularly vengeful HOA president. Democrats weren’t surprised. We were too busy calculating how many years of litigation it’ll take to glue the machinery back together. Spoiler: probably longer than it takes Trump to spell “bureaucracy.”

Step Two: History, But Make It MAGA

Trump also signed an order to “restore truth and sanity” to American history, which in practice means re-erecting Confederate statues and giving the Smithsonian a makeover so future generations will learn that slavery was just “involuntary agricultural internships.” NPR and PBS funding? Axed. Because nothing screams “strength” like silencing Big Bird. Democrats? Not shocked. We knew this was coming the minute Tucker Carlson’s ghostwriting interns started salivating over Project 2025.

Step Three: Goodbye Department of Education

Trump directed the Secretary of Education to dismantle the entire department, because if there’s one thing MAGA loves more than football season, it’s pretending that kids learn best when states are free to teach that the Earth is 6,000 years old and Jesus invented the musket. Democrats again weren’t surprised. We were just stockpiling Advil for the migraine of undoing this once Congress inevitably remembers the Department of Education can’t actually be killed off with a Sharpie signature.

Step Four: Civil Rights? Never Heard of Her

Diversity, equity, and inclusion programs? Gutted. Anti-discrimination protections? Peeled back like wallpaper in a condemned building. Project 2025 literally brags about wanting to turn back civil rights enforcement. Trump signed on without hesitation, even while claiming total ignorance. Democrats? Still not surprised. Just wondering how many federal judges it’ll take to drag this mess back into the 21st century.

Step Five: Law and Disorder

Declaring emergencies, deploying troops to Portland, labeling “Antifa” a terrorist organization—basically, Donnie’s dream cosplay as a tin-pot dictator. Again, straight from Project 2025’s script. Democrats? Still not surprised. Still terrified. Because every time he swings an executive order like a sledgehammer, we know it’ll take decades to hammer the dents out.

Conclusion: The Long Game of Repair

Here’s the thing: not a single Democrat is shocked by Trump’s Project 2025 cosplay. We all knew his “I don’t know her” act was as believable as his net worth claims. The horror isn’t that he’s doing it—it’s how fast he’s doing it, and how long it’ll take to undo. The real fear is that while it only takes him a couple of hours and a Sharpie to break things, it takes Democrats years of litigation, legislation, and sheer human endurance to repair the damage.

So no, we’re not surprised. Just exhausted preemptively. And stocking up on duct tape, because apparently America is going to need a lot of it.