Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Ah, Stephen Miller — the human thumb that somehow learned to speak and file lawsuits — has once again blessed us with another electrifying episode of “Oops, I Said the Fascist Part Out Loud.” There he was, blinking like a confused ferret caught under a tanning lamp, proudly declaring that the president has “plenary powers.” For those who don’t speak Fluently Delusional, that means: “The President is basically God now. You may kneel.”

Of course, this isn’t exactly new territory for Pee-Wee German, the only man who can make a podium look uncomfortable. Every time he steps in front of a camera, you can practically hear the wiring in his skull sizzling — like an old toaster deciding whether to catch fire or keep pretending it’s useful. And then, without fail, out comes another declaration of absolute executive power that sounds like it was ghostwritten by Darth Vader’s intern.

Miller’s been doing this for years — blurting out the quiet part, the illegal part, and sometimes even the part that makes the Constitution start weeping softly in the background. Remember when he said the president’s authority “will not be questioned”? That’s not a political philosophy. That’s a Bond villain audition tape. And yet, there he stands, puffed up with the self-importance of a mall cop with a badge and a God complex, telling America that we should be grateful for our new benevolent overlord.

At this point, it’s less “he said the quiet part out loud” and more “he hired a skywriter to spell it over the Lincoln Memorial.” The whole administration does it — babbling their dystopian fantasies like kids at show-and-tell — but Miller does it with that special dead-eyed conviction that makes you wonder if his diet consists entirely of Red Bull and resentment.

And honestly, it’s only a matter of time before his inner monologue just gives up pretending to be human altogether. One day, mid-interview, he’s going to stop mid-sentence, his pupils will dilate, horns will sprout from his shiny dome, and he’ll glide into full Loki mode. Picture it: Miller raising his hands before a horrified press corps and declaring in that nasal monotone, “I am freeing you… from freedom! You were made to be ruled. It is your natural state.”

And the worst part? You just know half the room will nod politely, take notes, and ask if the new regime plans to offer health insurance.

Because that’s the genius of Miller’s whole schtick — he says the monstrous parts so casually, so bureaucratically, that people forget to panic. He’s like if a DMV clerk suddenly declared martial law and everyone just kept waiting in line.

So no, we’re not surprised. Not when the human embodiment of a paper cut keeps accidentally confessing the entire authoritarian playbook. Not when every “quiet part” he says out loud is basically a recruitment ad for dictatorship. Stephen Miller doesn’t “reveal” fascism; he leaks it — constantly, proudly, and with all the emotional warmth of a malfunctioning Roomba.

So go ahead, Pee-Wee German. Tell us again how the president’s powers are infinite, how freedom is overrated, and how we should all just accept our “natural state” of obedience. Just don’t act shocked when the horns finally pop through — we’ve been expecting it for years.