Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Day Six of yet another Trump–Republican government shutdown, and the GOP’s official position remains, with all the confidence of a toddler blaming the dog for breaking the vase: “The Democrats did it.”

Truly inspiring. The Republican Party currently controls the House, the Senate, and the White House — a political monopoly so complete it would make a Bond villain blush — and yet, somehow, in this alternate universe, the shutdown is entirely the fault of the powerless minority party that couldn’t pass a motion to rename a post office if it tried.

You have to admire the creativity, though. The GOP has turned excuse-making into performance art. “We control everything,” they say, “but we can’t possibly govern because of those sneaky Democrats who… don’t have any votes.” It’s like watching a magician saw a lady in half, forget to put her back together, and then blame the audience for “negative energy.”

Meanwhile, federal workers aren’t getting paid, national parks are closed, and the economy’s starting to wheeze — but hey, as long as the talking points sound good on Fox News, who cares? You can practically hear the press conference rehearsals: “Sure, we could end this shutdown anytime we want, but why take responsibility when we can just scream ‘Democrats!’ and ride the victim wave straight through the next election cycle?”

It’s the same playbook every time. Republicans light the dumpster on fire, then hold a press conference in front of the flames, shaking their heads solemnly and saying, “Look what those Democrats did.” Never mind that every match, every gallon of gasoline, and every memo saying ‘burn it all down’ has an elephant logo in the corner.

Of course, Trump himself insists that this is all part of a “negotiating strategy,” which is a generous way of describing political arson. The man who campaigned on being the ultimate dealmaker has now proven he can’t even make a deal with his own party — and yet somehow the Democrats, who have about as much influence right now as a folding chair, are supposedly the culprits.

This is the political equivalent of a kid eating an entire cake, getting sick, and then declaring, “Mom made me do it because she didn’t hide it better.”

And the GOP chorus line is right there behind him, nodding along like malfunctioning bobbleheads. “Yes,” they say, “it’s the Democrats’ fault for refusing to support our totally reasonable, wildly unpopular, constitutionally questionable demands.”

Let’s be clear: if the Republicans wanted to reopen the government, they could do it this afternoon. They could snap their fingers — or in Trump’s case, his Cheeto-dusted digits — and pass a clean funding bill before dinner. But that would require actual governing, which is tragically less fun than performative blame games and fundraising emails titled “STOP THE RADICAL LEFT (who don’t currently have any legislative power).”

So here we are: Day Six. The government is closed for business, the GOP is holding the keys, and they’re still insisting that the Democrats are somehow jiggling the doorknob from the outside.

If irony were currency, Washington could reopen the government tomorrow.