Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Citizens of MAGAmerica, rejoice! His Tremendousness, the self-crowned monarch of Mar-a-Lago, DJ T — Defender of the Faith, Savior of the Golf Cart, and Captain of the Ship of Delusion — has issued a Royal Proclamation:

Indigenous People’s Day is hereby canceled, deleted, erased, obliterated, and replaced with the one true holy holiday — Columbus Day.

That’s right. By divine orange decree, the Mango Menace has saved us once again from the creeping scourge of wokeness and historical accuracy. The proclamation, read aloud from the gilded balcony of Trump Tower (formerly known as the White House), declared that “America will no longer apologize for its greatness, its explorers, or its heroic misunderstandings of geography.”

In his solemn address to a crowd of fifty diehards and one confused tourist, DJ T announced:

“By my royal proclamation — which is very powerful, people say the best proclamation — I am officially reclaiming Columbus Day. It’s no longer for the woke, it’s for Christians, historians, and oceanographic navigators, okay? The forgotten heroes. The people who use compasses — the good kind, not the fake ones on iPhones.”

The crowd went wild, or at least politely patriotic. Somewhere, a bald eagle rolled its eyes.

DJ T continued, bravely battling his teleprompter and basic syntax:

“Columbus was a great man. A man of faith. He brought Christianity, courage, and very strong maritime branding to the New World. If it weren’t for him, we wouldn’t have the Fourth of July, or hamburgers, or, frankly, the United States of Trump — I mean, America.”

Ah yes, the sacred logic of historical revisionism. According to DJ T, the timeline goes something like this:

1492: Columbus discovers America.

1776: America declares independence, thanks to Columbus’s inspirational oceanic vibes.

2016: DJ T rediscovered America — this time for real.

In his royal decree, DJ T also took aim at those “radical woke historians” who keep insisting that Columbus enslaved, tortured, and accidentally jumpstarted centuries of colonial devastation. “Fake news!” he declared. “People forget, the natives loved him. They were giving him beads, fruits, maybe even votes. Very friendly people — until the radical left got to them.”

He went on to praise Columbus as “the original Christian entrepreneur,” a man who “saw an opportunity, took the deal, and didn’t let a little thing like the wrong continent stop him.” To DJ T, this is the true spirit of America — bold ignorance wrapped in divine confidence.

And of course, no royal proclamation would be complete without a little culture war spice:

“Indigenous People’s Day is too woke. Too depressing. Nobody wants to celebrate people who were here first — that’s not what made America great. We celebrate winners, discoverers, people who plant flags on things that already belong to someone else. That’s tradition!”

Under his new proclamation, DJ T has also announced several mandatory patriotic observances for the resurrected Columbus Day, including:

A reenactment of Columbus’s landing, starring Trump himself, arriving on a golf cart christened The Santa Melania. A national “mapless navigation” contest — to honor the spirit of being confidently wrong about where you are. And finally, a ceremonial “Blessing of the Globe,” in which DJ T points at a spinning globe, declares it flat, and demands applause.

Meanwhile, historians everywhere have quietly packed up their degrees and gone to the nearest bar. Oceanographers have collectively sighed and muttered, “It’s oceanic, not oceanographic,*” but no one’s correcting him anymore. They’ve accepted defeat.

But for DJ T, this is a victory for faith, freedom, and the God-given right to be wrong with conviction. In his words:

“Columbus wasn’t just a man — he was a movement. He didn’t know where he was going, didn’t know where he ended up, but he discovered something incredible anyway. Just like me in every policy meeting.”

And thus, by royal proclamation, the kingdom rejoices. Columbus is redeemed, Indigenous People’s Day is banished to the woke wilderness, and DJ T sails once more into the sunset — the great navigator of nonsense, steering America’s ship proudly and blindly toward the edge of the flat Earth he’s convinced is round only when convenient.

So, raise your red hats and toast to Columbus — the man who found what wasn’t lost — and to DJ T, the man who never met a fact he couldn’t drown in self-congratulation.

Because in the new history of Trumpian America, ignorance isn’t just bliss.

It’s policy.