Dwain Northey (Gen X)

OH MY GOD—Jim Jordan is out here again, doing his sweaty best to turn the U.S. Constitution into a gym towel for Donald Trump! He’s bellowing about how the Mango Messiah—sorry, the ‘gag’ president—should have the right to fire judges and sic the Department of Justice on political enemies. Because apparently, checks and balances are for losers, and banana republics are just America with better fruit.

Let’s pause for one blinding second of reality: the DOJ isn’t the president’s personal law firm. It’s our Department of Justice—the people’s lawyers, America’s legal shield. But in Jim Jordan’s fever swamp fantasy, the DOJ is supposed to act like Trump’s mob consiglieri—knocking on doors, breaking kneecaps, and prosecuting anyone who doesn’t kiss the gold-plated ring.

Now, imagine—just imagine—if Barack Obama had ever suggested firing judges who didn’t rule his way. Or if Joe Biden said, “You know what? Let’s prosecute Mitch McConnell for being a crusty obstructionist.” Jim Jordan and the entire GOP would spontaneously combust in patriotic outrage! Fox News would run “DICTATOR WATCH” banners 24/7. Sean Hannity would weep on air about the death of democracy.

But when Trump says it? Suddenly, it’s “presidential prerogative.” When he threatens the rule of law? It’s “fighting the deep state.” When he demands vengeance against opponents? It’s “draining the swamp.”

Jim Jordan isn’t defending the Constitution—he’s defending Trump’s fantasy of monarchy. He’s helping to rewrite “We the People” into “We the Loyalists.” And if that doesn’t make your democratic hair stand on end, then congratulations—you’re already living in the Republic of Trumpistan, where justice wears an orange tie and loyalty is law.