Dwain Northey (Gen X)

No surprise , it was only a matter of time before Donald J. Trump — the Mango Maestro of Misinformation, the Sun-Kissed Sultan of Self-Delusion — turned the U.S. government into a spin-off of The Apprentice: Miss Universe Edition. Because why on earth would you pick policy experts or diplomats when you can have contestants from the “Evening Gown and Loyalty Test” portion of the show?

Let’s be clear: this isn’t a joke — this is literally how he staffs the federal government. Trump doesn’t see a Cabinet; he sees a casting call. He’s not hiring, he’s hosting. The Oval Office has become his personal greenroom, complete with ring lights and lip gloss. Qualifications? Oh please — that’s for boring people who read memos. In Trumpworld, the only criteria that matter are (1) camera readiness, (2) willingness to flatter His Orangeness, and (3) the ability to feign shock when democracy crumbles in the background.

His female appointments, coincidentally, all seem to come with headshots and swimsuit competition résumés. Who needs experience in governance when you’ve got “runner-up, Miss Florida 1998” on your CV? In Trump’s twisted worldview, national security briefings are just talent auditions and loyalty oaths are the new talent portion.

It’s as if The Real Housewives of Mar-a-Lago got greenlit without anyone noticing. The taglines practically write themselves:

“I may not understand foreign policy, but I look fabulous doing it.” “You can’t spell ‘executive privilege’ without ‘pretty privilege.’” “I don’t chase subpoenas — subpoenas chase me.”

And let’s not forget the Commander-in-Creep himself, presiding over this glittering circus like some orange Andy Cohen, sipping Diet Coke and judging everyone’s “ratings potential.” Behind every Cabinet meeting, you can almost hear the faint echo of a producer whispering, “Can we get another take of that loyalty pledge, Pam? This time with more sparkle.”

The tragedy, of course, is that this isn’t satire — it’s the Trump doctrine. Competence is out; camera presence is in. America’s government has been rebranded as a reality show where the only reality is how unreal it all feels.

So tune in next week for another episode of The Real Housewives of the Trump Cabinet, where foreign policy takes a backseat to false lashes, and the only thing more inflated than the egos are the approval ratings. Coming soon to a collapsing democracy near you.