Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Well, dear America, grab your pearls and clutch them tight — democracy is under siege! No, not from the storming of government buildings or the armed mobs waving Confederate flags inside the halls of Congress. No, no, that was just a spirited “tour” of the Capitol by “patriots.” The real danger, we are told, is the No Kings rallies — those horrifying gatherings of everyday citizens, waving American flags, chanting about democracy, and having the audacity to believe that no man should be treated like a monarch. How utterly un-American!

According to the latest political sermon from the self-appointed guardians of freedom (you know, the ones who think the First Amendment only applies to their social media posts), these rallies are clearly the work of terrorists. After all, nothing says “domestic extremism” quite like a group of citizens peacefully demanding accountability, transparency, and an end to political idolatry. They must be plotting an insurrection, because in modern America, dissent against a would-be king is considered treasonous — while worshiping him is practically patriotic.

Meanwhile, over on the other side of the moral seesaw, we find the latest controversy (or should I say, “non-troversy”) — a flood of pro-Nazi, white nationalist, and fascist memes proudly shared by the “youthful” conservatives of our day. Now, some of these “youths” are in their early 40s, but who’s counting? Age is just a number — especially when it comes to sharing hate symbols online. We’re told these aren’t expressions of dangerous ideology, heavens no! They’re just “youthful indiscretions.” You know, the kind that would have gotten anyone else fired, canceled, or at least investigated by the FBI.

But not these folks. No sir. These are the future leaders of the movement — men and women who simply need a little guidance, maybe a rebranding seminar, and a good PR consultant to polish off those goose-stepping edges. After all, everyone experiments in their 40s, right? Some people buy a motorcycle or get a tattoo; others post Nazi propaganda. Tomato, tomahto.

Yet, back to those “No Kings” hooligans. Their real crime isn’t violence or hate speech — it’s something far worse: believing the Constitution still means something. Imagine the audacity! These extremists think citizens should have a say in government decisions, that leaders should be accountable to the people, and that the presidency is a public office, not a throne. Clearly, these are dangerous ideas that could spread if not swiftly stamped out by Fox News and its Ministry of Disinformation.

The irony is almost poetic. A rally that celebrates America’s foundational rejection of monarchy is branded “anti-American,” while those defending authoritarianism are hailed as “true patriots.” It’s as if 1776 never happened — as if King George’s ghost now runs the RNC and hands out loyalty oaths at fundraisers.

Let’s call it what it is: projection wrapped in hypocrisy, sprinkled with fascist nostalgia. The same people who cried foul over “cancel culture” are the first to call for mass arrests when citizens exercise their right to protest — as long as the protest isn’t about guns, God, or the golden idol of Mar-a-Lago.

So, let’s raise a toast — not to kings, not to crowns, but to contradictions. To a world where chanting “No Kings” is sedition, but posting Nazi memes is a minor oopsie. Where democracy is a threat, and fascism is just “free speech.”

Because nothing screams “freedom” quite like criminalizing those who defend it.