Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Once upon a time, in a galaxy not so far away — in fact, right here in the United States — the Republican Party cast itself in the grandest of cinematic roles. In their own imaginations, they’re the scrappy Rebel Alliance, courageously fighting the evil Galactic Deep State with nothing but faith, freedom, and a flamethrower full of grievance. They see themselves as noble freedom fighters, rising against tyranny — which is fascinating, considering they are the ones trying to build the Death Star.

It’s as if Darth Vader looked in the mirror, saw the shiny helmet, heard the mechanical breathing, and said, “Yup, that’s definitely Luke Skywalker staring back.”

In the modern Republican cinematic universe, Donald Trump is a hybrid character — part Tony Stark (minus the genius), part Captain America (minus the moral compass), and part Emperor Palpatine (with all the hand gestures and none of the self-awareness). His loyal followers? Oh, they’re convinced they’re the Avengers — a ragtag group of patriots fighting to “save the republic.” But instead of saving it, they’re busy trying to privatize it and sell the merch.

The irony writes itself. They rail against “the Empire” while marching in lockstep with authoritarianism. They decry “big government” while demanding laws that control books, bodies, and voting booths. They shout about “freedom” while insisting everyone think, pray, and behave exactly as they do. It’s less Rebel Alliance and more Empire with better PR.

And let’s not forget the Marvel side of this delusion. Somewhere between reality and a Fox News green screen, they’ve decided they are Earth’s Mightiest Heroes. But instead of protecting the planet, they’re defending billionaires from paying taxes and making sure Captain Planet dies of deregulation. Hydra — the shadowy fascist organization that infiltrated S.H.I.E.L.D.? They’d call it “the Freedom Caucus” and hold a fundraiser for it at Mar-a-Lago.

Remember Hydra’s motto: “Cut off one head, two more shall take its place”? That’s basically the GOP’s 2025 campaign strategy. Every time a scandal knocks one down, another one pops up wearing a flag pin and shouting about “family values” while under investigation for something that definitely violates them.

Meanwhile, the actual rebels — journalists, teachers, scientists, voters who still believe in democracy — are cast as villains. They’re “elites,” “globalists,” or “woke mobs” depending on the day’s script rewrite. It’s like watching The Empire Strikes Back, except this time the stormtroopers are convinced they’re the good guys because they think “order” and “freedom” are synonyms.

If George Lucas wrote today’s political saga, it would probably be called Episode IX: The Gaslighting Awakens. The plot? The Empire rebrands itself as the victims of rebellion. Vader releases a memoir titled The Art of the Force Deal. And the Death Star is renamed the “Freedom Orbital Security Installation.”

The truth is, the Republican Party isn’t the Rebel Alliance or the Avengers — they’re the villains who think they’re heroes. The ones who believe authoritarianism is liberty, censorship is patriotism, and reality is whatever the script says it is. They’ve become the cinematic equivalent of Loki giving a press conference about honesty or Thanos lecturing on population ethics.

But hey — every blockbuster needs its delusional antagonist. The tragedy is that these ones aren’t content to stay on the screen. They’re trying to turn the world’s oldest democracy into their own dystopian sequel — one where Hydra wins, the Empire never falls, and the credits never roll.

Cue the ominous music, fade to black, and remember: in this movie, the bad guys still think they’re saving the galaxy.