Dwain Northey (Gen X)

“The GOP Plays Calvinball: The Only Rule Is There Are No Rules”

If you grew up with Calvin and Hobbes — Bill Watterson’s legendary comic strip about a precocious six-year-old and his sardonic stuffed tiger — you know that Calvinball is not so much a game as it is a declaration of anarchy wrapped in athletic tape. The official rules of Calvinball are simple: you make them up as you go along, and whatever you say is the rule is the rule — until it isn’t anymore.

Calvin and Hobbes would charge around their backyard, wearing masks (because of course you have to wear masks in Calvinball), yelling things like, “I get 10 points for that!” only for the other to retort, “No, you lose 10 points for talking!” The points didn’t matter, the goals were imaginary, and victory was determined solely by who shouted the loudest last.

Sound familiar?

Because lately, the Republican Party — particularly its Trumpian incarnation — has taken the art of Calvinball from backyard chaos to national governance. They have become the grandmasters of political Calvinball, governing not by laws, norms, or even consistency, but by the sheer audacity of deciding, in the moment, what the rules are.

Rule #1: The Rules Only Apply to Other People

In Calvinball, one of the most sacred tenets is that the rules change whenever you want them to — as long as it benefits you. Likewise, in modern GOP Calvinball:

Investigating a sitting president? Perfectly fine if it’s a Democrat. “Weaponization of government” if it’s a Republican.

Executive orders? Tyranny under Obama, patriotic leadership under Trump.

Debt ceiling? A sacred fiscal principle — unless, of course, we’re in charge, in which case let’s raise it quietly and blame the other guys.

When confronted with contradictions, the GOP’s answer is always the same as Calvin’s: “That rule doesn’t count anymore!”

Rule #2: The Scoreboard Is Whatever We Say It Is

Calvinball’s scoreboard changes minute to minute. “I win by 10 points!” Calvin might yell, to which Hobbes would reply, “The score is now infinity to nothing — I win!”

Similarly, in GOP Calvinball, victory is perpetual and preordained. Lost the popular vote? Claim the electoral map was a “landslide.” Lost court cases? Blame “activist judges.” Lost public opinion? Say the polls are rigged. The scoreboard is an interpretive art form, constantly updated by Fox News chyron writers.

When Trump claimed to have won an election he objectively lost, it wasn’t denial — it was just an advanced Calvinball move. “Actually, the rule is that I win no matter what happens.”

Rule #3: Logic Is for Suckers

In Calvinball, logic kills the fun. You can’t question how you got ten points for singing the “Calvinball National Anthem” backwards while holding a croquet mallet. The moment you try to make sense of it, the game collapses.

So too with the GOP’s policy positions.

Fiscal conservatives pass trillion-dollar tax cuts.

Moral crusaders line up behind a man who paid off a porn star.

Law-and-order types cheer on mobs breaking into the Capitol. Try to make sense of it, and you’ll only give yourself a Calvinball migraine.

The modern GOP doesn’t ignore hypocrisy — they treat it as performance art. “We’re defunding the FBI because we love law enforcement” isn’t a contradiction; it’s a bonus round.

Rule #4: If You Lose, Change the Game

Calvinball is notorious for its endgame strategy: when Calvin starts to lose, he simply declares a new rule that reverses the score. “I just invented the reverse-double-bonus rule — I win now!”

In GOP Calvinball, that’s called changing election laws, gerrymandering, or packing the courts. When democracy doesn’t deliver the result you want, you simply tweak the rules so it can’t happen again.

Remember: in Calvinball, fairness is for the weak.

Rule #5: Always Wear the Mask

In Calvinball, the players always wear masks. It’s not clear why — maybe it’s part of the ritual, maybe it’s a metaphor for pretending you’re someone else. Either way, it’s fitting.

The GOP’s mask is “patriotism.” Everything — every outrage, every attack, every act of sabotage — is done “for America.” Never mind that America itself seems increasingly exhausted by the performance. The mask must stay on. To remove it would reveal what Calvinball can never admit: that there are no real rules, just a desperate game of keeping score where no one ever really wins.

Conclusion: The National Game of Calvinball

Calvin once said, “The only permanent rule in Calvinball is that you can’t play it the same way twice.” The GOP has taken that to heart, applying it to governance, ethics, and even reality itself.

Every day brings a new rule, a new grievance, a new definition of “freedom,” “truth,” or “law.” And just like Calvin, they proclaim victory with absolute confidence, even as the rest of us stare at the chaos and wonder what game they think they’re playing.

Calvinball was funny because it was make-believe.

The GOP’s version is less so — because this time, they’ve taken the field for real, and the rest of us are stuck cleaning up the backyard.