Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Ah yes, Donald J. Trump—DJT, the Mango Moron-in-Chief—America’s self-declared “greatest peace president ever.” A man so allergic to reality he thinks détente is something you can trademark. Now, in his own unmistakable voice, let’s let the “stable genius” himself explain his greatness:

“Nobody’s ever seen peace like this, folks. I’m the greatest peace president—some people are saying maybe in history, maybe ever, definitely better than Obama, who, by the way, started so many wars, folks, you wouldn’t believe. I just completed the greatest peace deal ever between the Hatfields and the McCoys—generations of feuding, terrible fighting, lots of bad hombres—and I said, ‘Let’s make a deal,’ and they did. They love me now, tremendous people, both sides, really beautiful teeth now, because of me.”

And he didn’t stop there, oh no. The Trump Peace Tour continues:

“We just finished another huge, historic negotiation, very important, between Gargamel and the Smurf Village. Nobody thought it could be done—people said, ‘Sir, you can’t make peace between a wizard and tiny blue people,’ but I did it. I broke a peace that’s never been seen before. Now Gargamel controls Smurf Village—it’s the best thing for the Smurfs, believe me, they’re very happy, very small, but very happy. Papa Smurf came up to me, tears in his eyes, and said, ‘Sir, thank you for your strength.’ It’s beautiful.”

This is Trumpian peace: where the aggressor gets the spoils, the victims get a handshake, and everyone else gets gaslit into applause. It’s the same logic he applies to Ukraine and Russia: give Putin what he wants, call it peace, and slap his name on it like a gaudy hotel sign. “Trump Peace Towers—Now Open in Occupied Territory.”

But to hear Trump tell it, he’s already won the Nobel Prize in everything:

“They should’ve given me the Nobel Peace Prize many times—many people agree. Obama got it for doing nothing, absolutely nothing, and I’ve done so much more. Gaza? I made it peaceful, folks. Ukraine? I could end it in 24 hours. Smurfs? Total harmony. I’m like Gandhi, but stronger, with better ratings.”

And maybe that’s the heart of it. Trump doesn’t want peace—he wants applause. Peace is just another prop in his reality show presidency. When he says he’s “the greatest peace president,” what he means is he’s great at pretending peace exists as long as he’s the one in charge.

So yes, give the man his due: he has indeed “negotiated” more fictional truces than anyone else alive. The only thing standing between Trump and the Nobel Peace Prize is the Nobel Committee’s stubborn refusal to grade delusion on a curve.