Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Let’s take a sarcastic peek under the hood, shall we? Because if Joe Biden left Donald “the Menace” Trump anything when the keys to the Oval Office were (somehow) handed back to him, it was a fully tuned hybrid democracy running smoother than it had any right to after four years of chaos. And what has Captain Destructo done with it? Well—let’s just say he took a well-oiled engine of goodwill, doused it in lighter fluid, and called it an “innovation in combustion patriotism.”

When Biden left office, the economy was—brace yourself—stable. Jobs were up, inflation had cooled, global alliances were patched together like a repaired quilt of sanity, and for the first time in years, the world collectively exhaled. Infrastructure projects were underway, climate initiatives were funded, and democracy had, miraculously, not fallen off a cliff. It wasn’t perfect—because this is Earth—but it was functional. It worked.

Then Donald strutted back in like a raccoon who found fireworks and a gas can, shouting “We’re making America BOOM again!” And oh, it’s booming, all right—just in the wrong direction. The goodwill Biden had built with allies? Torched faster than a stack of classified documents near a Mar-a-Lago bonfire. The economy that was humming along? He slammed the tariff pedal to the floor and called the grinding gears “the sound of winning.”

Remember when Biden worked to restore faith in democracy? Trump redefined that as “total loyalty to the guy in the red tie.” Remember how Biden emphasized unity? Trump’s new slogan might as well be “Divided We Stand, United We Lose Ratings.”

In short, Joe left him a car with all four tires inflated, a full tank of gas, and a working GPS pointing toward progress. Donald ripped out the GPS, replaced the steering wheel with a golf club, and declared himself the greatest mechanic of all time—while the vehicle swerves toward the nearest cliff to the roaring applause of his fan club.

America didn’t need a demolition derby. It needed a tune-up. But with Trump behind the wheel again, we’re not in “Build Back Better” anymore—we’re in “Break Everything Faster.”