Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Ladies and gentlemen, gather ‘round and behold the rarest creature in the political wilderness: the Marxist Communist Fascist. This beast is said to stalk college campuses, cable news panels, and the fevered imaginations of certain social media commentators. It’s a terrifying chimera — part Lenin, part Mussolini, and entirely nonsense.

Let’s unpack this ideological smoothie. A Marxist believes in the collective ownership of production and the eventual withering away of the state. A Communist takes that Marxist dream to the next level — no private property, no classes, no bosses, no billionaires, no Kardashians selling “luxury minimalism.” Meanwhile, a Fascist believes in total authoritarian control, ultranationalism, and usually worships a strongman leader who thinks democracy is something you use to wipe your boots.

So, calling someone a “Marxist Communist Fascist” is like calling them a vegan carnivore who only eats gluten-free steak. It’s an ideological paradox wrapped in a logical impossibility. Marxists want to abolish the state; fascists are the state. Communists want to dissolve hierarchy; fascists build altars to it. One dreams of equality, the other demands obedience — they’re not sharing a dorm room, let alone a movement.

And yet, in the modern political jungle, the “Marxist Communist Fascist” label gets tossed around like confetti at a conspiracy convention. Someone proposes free school lunches? Must be Marxist Communist Fascism. Someone suggests not jailing journalists? Definitely Marxist Communist Fascism. Someone says words longer than two syllables? Clearly indoctrinated by Karl Mussolini and Benito Marx.

In conclusion, the “Marxist Communist Fascist” exists only in the same place as Bigfoot and honest political discourse — the imagination. But rest assured, whenever you hear someone use the term, you can safely assume one thing: they’ve never read a single page of The Communist Manifesto, Mein Kampf, or, for that matter, a dictionary.