Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Donnie and the Polls: A Hole-in-One Delusion

Somewhere in the golden halls of Mar-a-Lago, between the Diet Coke refills and the well-practiced proclamations of greatness, Delusional Donnie Dumbass (or perhaps Dementia Don, depending on the day’s vibe) seems to be getting polling numbers that only exist in his head—or maybe in a fantasyland where truth checks out for early retirement. Every time the real world reports him hovering around numbers that would make even Richard Nixon blush, Donnie steps up to a microphone and confidently declares that he has “the highest poll ratings of any president in history.”

Now, there are two possible explanations for this. One: he’s flat-out lying, which would surprise absolutely no one at this point. Or two: he has fundamentally misunderstood what polls are. Maybe, in that foggy mental golf course of his mind, “poll numbers” are just like golf scores—the lower the better. In that case, the polls showing him down twenty points? Fantastic news! The people love him so much they’re scoring him like a PGA pro. “Look,” he’d probably brag, “everyone else is in the high 50s and 60s—terrible numbers. I’m in the 30s! Maybe even the 20s! Nobody’s ever done that before. Tremendous!”

This would explain a lot: the unbothered smile as his approval craters, the joy with which he recounts his “historic” leads, the way he treats every political loss as a “beautiful win.” It’s as if he’s playing an entirely different game—one where facts are hazards, truth is out of bounds, and reality is just the sand trap you blame for your slice.

So when Donnie Delusion says his poll numbers are the best, maybe he’s right—just not in the way he thinks. In the golf course of his mind, he’s the Tiger Woods of politics: fewer strokes, fewer facts, and one very inflated scorecard of self-delusion.