Dwain Northey (Gen X)

And here we are—day 30 of the government shutdown, the one that “totally isn’t their fault,” according to the same Republicans who, inconveniently, control literally everything. It’s an incredible feat of political gymnastics: shutting down your own government, blaming the minority party for it, and still having the gall to appear on Fox News every night insisting that Joe Biden, Chuck Schumer, and a cabal of vegan socialists are somehow holding America hostage.

You’d think after 30 days of unpaid federal workers, shuttered services, and national parks turning into overflowing porta-potties of despair, they’d at least try a new excuse. But no—this week’s recycled propaganda has a vintage twist. We’ve been teleported back to Reagan’s 1980s, complete with leg warmers, Cold War paranoia, and, of course, the ever-reliable scapegoat: the welfare queen.

Except now, the story’s gotten even more absurd. According to the newest round of right-wing math (the kind that makes two plus two equal “Hunter Biden did it”), people on SNAP benefits are supposedly raking in $4,000 a month. Yes, you read that right—nearly $50,000 a year in government food money! Because obviously, your average single mom in Kansas is out here lighting cigars with EBT cards and washing down her filet mignon with government-funded champagne.

Meanwhile, reality—remember that old thing?—is sitting quietly in the corner, reminding us that the actual average SNAP benefit is about $6 a day per person. That’s roughly enough for one combo meal at McDonald’s, assuming you skip the fries. But who needs reality when you can spin a story about luxury-living freeloaders eating lobster tails on the taxpayer dime?

It’s the perfect deflection. While federal workers are lining up at food banks, the party of “fiscal responsibility” wants you to believe the real problem is a mythical underclass of gourmet grifters. Never mind that the shutdown they caused is costing billions. Never mind that corporate subsidies, tax loopholes, and Mar-a-Lago-sized write-offs dwarf the entire food stamp budget. No, the problem is Karen in Ohio buying two boxes of cereal instead of one.

So here we are, watching the GOP’s rerun of “Reagan Theater Presents: The War on the Poor,” now remastered in high definition hypocrisy. Same script, same villains, same smug moralizing about bootstraps—except this time, they’re the ones lighting the fire and then complaining about the smoke.

But don’t worry—they’ll fix it soon. Right after they finish blaming the Democrats, the deep state, the weather, and maybe the ghost of FDR for their own incompetence. Until then, enjoy your government shutdown, America. It’s the only thing this crowd can still manage to keep running.