Dwain Northey (Gen X)

The White House cleaning staff must be on double overtime again, poor souls—armed with rubber gloves, mops, and trauma from years of tomato-based temper tantrums. With blue wins spreading like common sense across the nation, one can only imagine the scene inside the executive dining room: the current occupant of the White House (you know, the one with the spray-tan hue that could double as a Cheeto warning label) furiously hurling condiments against the wall as democracy once again refuses to play along with his delusions.

America, it seems, has dared to speak—again—and the message couldn’t be clearer: we’re tired of being held hostage by a gang of performative patriots whose only consistent policy is cruelty with a smile. But here we are, still trapped in the worst hostage negotiation in modern history, with the government shut down while the GOP swears on a stack of imaginary Bibles that if we just sign their “clean” continuing resolution, they’ll graciously consider reopening the country.

They’re calling it a negotiation, but it’s more like being mugged and then thanked for your cooperation.

The Republicans, led by the ketchup-thrower-in-chief, promise that once Democrats cave, they’ll “release the funds” for things like SNAP benefits—basic food assistance for families who don’t have private chefs or golden toilets. How kind! How benevolent! Except… they legally have to do that anyway. It’s been in the rulebook longer than Trump’s been dodging tax returns. But the GOP is pretending it’s some grand gesture, like they’re freeing political prisoners instead of just doing the bare minimum required by law.

Then, in their most magnanimous tone, they claim they’ll discuss continuing the ACA subsidies—as if that’s a prize to be won and not a life-saving policy they’ve been trying to strangle since 2010. It’s almost adorable, watching them dangle something they have no intention of actually supporting. The entire Republican caucus talks about the ACA like it’s the devil’s own invention, conveniently forgetting it was their brainchild to begin with.

Yes, the Affordable Care Act—the great socialist nightmare that lets your grandma afford her insulin—was born not in the dark halls of Marxist fantasy, but in the beige boardrooms of the Heritage Foundation. A Republican idea. A conservative framework. And it was successfully implemented in Massachusetts by none other than Mitt “Corporate Ken Doll” Romney. The only real difference? Obama got it passed nationally—and added patient protections that made it something more than a corporate gift basket for insurers.

And that, of course, is the unforgivable sin. Obama didn’t just steal their idea—he improved it. He made it work for ordinary people, and not just for the donors who keep the GOP’s campaign coffers fat. Ever since, Republicans have been on a decade-long vengeance tour, trying to erase any memory of the fact that once upon a time, they stood for something other than grievance and performative outrage.

So as the nation watches the lights of democracy flicker during this self-inflicted government shutdown, we’re left with one undeniable truth: this isn’t governing—it’s hostage-taking with bad lighting. The GOP isn’t negotiating in good faith. They’re holding the American people for ransom, demanding concessions on programs they’ve never supported, all while pretending to be the reasonable adults in the room.

Meanwhile, in the White House, somewhere between the third Big Mac and the fifteenth “unfair” post on social media, a bottle of Heinz takes flight. And the cleaning crew sighs, reaches for another roll of paper towels, and mutters the same thing most of America is thinking right now:

“Can we please just get the adults back in charge?”