Dwain Northey (Gen X)

When the Revolution Comes in a Red Tie: The Great Donnie Socialist Panic (Now Featuring Mayor Zohran Mamdani)

Well, well, well—look who’s suddenly the new face of socialism in America. None other than Zohran Mamdani, the newly elected mayor of New York City, whose victory has both the left and right screaming into the void for entirely different reasons. The conservatives are calling him a socialist menace who’s going to turn Times Square into a worker’s commune, while some of the Bernie faithful are staring at their screens in disbelief, muttering, “Wait—this guy just won New York?”

Yes, the same Zohran Mamdani who’s been fighting for tenants’ rights, fare-free public transit, and economic justice for years just pulled off the unthinkable: he took the biggest city in America by storm on a platform that, if you’ve been listening closely, sounds an awful lot like what Bernie Sanders has been saying since cassette tapes were still a thing. Only now, people are actually listening—and that’s making everyone a little nervous.

On the right, the panic is operatic. “He’s a Marxist! He’s going to tax your bagels!” they shriek, as if Mamdani is personally coming to repossess every Wall Street bonus. Fox News has already rolled out graphics of hammers and sickles over the Empire State Building, while hedge fund managers are calling their accountants in tears. You’d think the man announced he was nationalizing Starbucks instead of proposing to fund affordable housing and public transit like a normal 21st-century progressive.

And yet, over on the left, the reaction is equally chaotic—though far more existential. The Bernie Bros are pacing their apartments, wondering if the revolution they dreamed of has actually arrived or if it’s just been… co-opted by a guy who actually knows how to get elected. After thirty years of watching Sanders’ platform get dismissed as “too radical,” they’re suddenly watching Mayor Mamdani—smiling, calm, and whip-smart—implement the same ideas in America’s most ungovernable city.

But make no mistake: this isn’t performative socialism in a red tie—it’s the real deal. Zohran Mamdani didn’t stumble into this by accident. He’s been doing the work for years, standing shoulder to shoulder with organizers, tenants, and working-class New Yorkers while the political establishment rolled its eyes. Now those same power brokers are pretending they always liked him, like corporate execs suddenly “loving” Taylor Swift because their daughters do.

The GOP, meanwhile, is losing its collective mind. They’ve spent years demonizing socialism as the death of freedom, and now the most capitalist city on earth just elected a socialist mayor who talks about equity, compassion, and—gasp—governing for people instead of profit. It’s like they woke up and discovered their worst Fox News fever dream came true, only it’s not chaos—it’s competence.

And somewhere in Vermont, Bernie Sanders is probably smiling wryly, muttering, “About damn time.” Because let’s be honest—Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s platform is Bernie’s platform, polished by time, adapted for a new generation, and infused with a distinctly New York sense of pragmatism. The revolution didn’t die—it just found better subway service.

Meanwhile, the corporate class is already plotting their revenge, warning that Mamdani’s policies will “scare away investors.” But for once, the people who actually live and work in the city don’t seem to care. They’ve had enough of billionaires buying apartments they never visit and enough of politicians treating poverty as a public-relations problem.

So yes, both sides are screaming—because Zohran Mamdani’s victory exposes something deeper: that maybe, just maybe, Americans are ready for politics that prioritize human beings over shareholders. That’s terrifying to those in power and confusing to those who thought only Bernie could pull it off.

In the end, this moment feels like the punchline of a very long joke. After years of fearmongering about socialism, it arrived not in a red wave or a revolution—but in a mayoral election decided by tired, rent-burdened, overworked New Yorkers who just wanted someone to finally give a damn.

So let the pundits yell, let the think pieces pour in. The city that never sleeps just elected Zohran Mamdani—and for the first time in decades, it might actually wake up.