Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Donald John Destructo’s Masterclass in “Genius” Economics and Health Care

Once again, ladies and gentlemen, the self-proclaimed stable genius Donald John Destructo Trump has unveiled another stroke of “brilliance.” The man who once said “who knew healthcare could be so complicated?” has apparently cracked the code: abolish Affordable Care Act subsidies and instead hand every family a crisp $2,000. Because obviously, when you’re staring down a six-figure cancer diagnosis, a couple thousand bucks should cover… well, maybe some snacks from the hospital vending machine and parking fees for your next biopsy.

Forget comprehensive healthcare — what Americans really need is pocket change and positive thinking. Why bother negotiating drug prices when you can just play the medical version of The Price Is Right every time you visit the pharmacy? It’s the kind of economic strategy that screams, “Let them eat Cheez-Its.”

And just when you thought his genius couldn’t outshine itself, Trump rolls out his latest fix for the housing crisis: the 50-year mortgage. Brilliant! Because if the average first-time homebuyer is between 30 and 40, why not make sure they finally “own” their home right before they’re laid to rest? Nothing says “the American dream” like holding a mortgage longer than most dictatorships last.

It’s financial innovation at its finest — the kind that guarantees you’ll never stop paying the bank, even if you try. Who needs generational wealth when you can have generational debt? Imagine passing the family mortgage down to your kids like a treasured heirloom: “Son, someday this interest rate will be yours.”

But this, apparently, is the new vision of prosperity — where healthcare is a one-time allowance and homeownership is a lifelong lease with delusions of grandeur.

Welcome to Trump’s America, where GoFundMe healthcare and 50-year home mortgages have become the new American dream.