Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Donald John Trump, King of Manipulation, has once again descended from his golden escalator in the clouds to bless America with another one of his solutions to a crisis that—surprise!—he created. Yes, the man who slapped tariffs on anything that dared cross a border (food, raw materials, hopes, dreams, joy, etc.) has now decided he will “save” the American people from the rising grocery parts prices. Grocery parts. Because why have “food prices” when you can invent a term that sounds like you’re shopping for radiator hoses at Walmart?

In Trump World™, language is just a suggestion and consequences are for other people. So when the cost of everything from eggs to lettuce to cereal shot up thanks to the very tariffs he put in place, Trump didn’t flinch. No, he simply declared—loudly, confidently, incorrectly—that grocery inflation was caused by “Biden,” “immigrants,” “windmills,” or “wokeness.” Basically, pick any noun and you’ve got yourself a full Trump briefing.

But now, in the third act of this tragicomedy, Trump has discovered a solution: he’ll lower the tariffs he previously raised. Stunning. Brilliant. Revolutionary. A hero emerges—again! Never mind that this is the political equivalent of kicking over your neighbor’s mailbox and then showing up with duct tape shouting, “Don’t worry, folks, I alone can fix it!”

But no! In MAGA-land, every disaster is a miracle in disguise, provided Trump is the one who set the fire and hands out the fire extinguisher.

And the best part? His red-hat disciples will cheer like he just cured polio. They will stand there nodding vigorously, somehow managing to avoid the obvious question:

Wait, didn’t he cause this?

This is the beauty of Trump’s manipulation:

He creates the storm.

He names the storm.

He denies the storm exists.

He blames the storm on someone else.

And then he heroically “solves” the storm by doing the thing he should have done—or should have not done—in the first place.

Lowering tariffs to lower grocery parts prices? Congratulations, Don. You’ve reinvented the concept of “actions have consequences,” except with fewer neurons and more merch sales.

But don’t worry. His supporters will hail him as the savior who bravely stepped in to rescue the American people from the tyranny of… himself. They’ll praise the genius of a man who burns down your kitchen and then hands you a bag of ice cubes like he just rebuilt your house.

In the end, Trump gets to be both arsonist and fireman, and the crowd goes wild.

And thus the cycle continues in the magical land of Donald Universe, where logic goes to die and propaganda gets frequent-flier miles.