Dwain Northey (Gen X)

The Swamp-Drainer Who Showed Up With a Garden Hose Full of Sludge

Back in 2016, Donald Trump stood before America and—with all the sincerity of a late-night infomercial host promising miracle weight loss—declared he would “drain the swamp.” Cue the cheering crowds, the dramatic music, and the mental image of Washington’s bureaucratic bayou finally getting a long-overdue cleanup.

But then he actually got elected, and—surprise!—the man didn’t show up with waders and a pump; he rolled in with a personalized swamp-refilling hose labeled TRUMP BRAND DRAIN-O (DOES NOT DRAIN ANYTHING).

Fast-forward to 2024: Act II of the swamp opera. Once again, he solemnly swears the swamp will be drained—this time for real, folks. Because apparently the problem with 2016 is that he forgot to cross his fingers behind his back or whatever mystical gesture is required for honesty in Trumpworld.

And yet here we are, not with a drained swamp, but with a multi-tiered, VIP-only luxury swamp resort, complete with all-you-can-eat corruption buffets. In this newest administration, Trump hasn’t just failed to drain the swamp—he’s federally funded it, put his name on it, and tried to trench his loyalists into every crack and crevice of government like they’re building a subterranean MAGA subway system.

“Weaponization of government”? Oh absolutely. Except not in the mythological sense he accuses everyone else of doing. No, no—this one’s proudly homegrown. He’s installed allies like little ideological landmines everywhere, each one ready to explode into a fireworks show of loyalty tests, grievance politics, and bureaucratic vengeance. Suddenly, every agency looks like it’s wearing a red hat and muttering about retribution as it clocks in.

The swamp isn’t just deeper now—it’s thriving. It’s an ecosystem. A habitat. A protected wildlife refuge for grifters, sycophants, and anyone willing to nod along while Trump insists he’s the world’s greatest environmentalist, because look—just LOOK—at how green the swamp is getting.

And the funniest part? He still claims he’s “draining” it. This is like a man standing in front of a five-alarm fire holding a flamethrower and insisting he’s a firefighter.

But hey, in fairness, he has drained something: credibility, integrity, oversight, norms, stability… pretty much everything except the swamp he promised to get rid of.

In the end, Trump’s swamp-draining pledge turned out to be the political equivalent of promising to clean your room and instead building a bigger closet to shove more junk into. And somehow expecting applause for it.