Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Welcome to Farmageddon—brought to you by the very folks who proudly voted (twice!) for a 34-count convicted felon, an adjudicated sexual offender, and the world’s first reality-show CEO whose greatest business success was convincing half the country that bankruptcy is just “strategic financial repositioning.”

These small family farmers—salt of the earth, God-fearing, tractor-loving patriots—were assured by Dear Leader Donald John “Trust Me, I Know Business” Trump that they were his top priority. He promised to make them “great again,” presumably in between court appearances, depositions, and threatening judges on the internet.

And what did they get for their loyalty?

Tariffs so economically catastrophic they made crops unexportable, equipment unaffordable, and solvency optional. Instead of winning trade wars “so fast your head will spin,” Trump managed to spin them right off their land and straight into the waiting jaws of mega-corporate agribusiness—the very beasts he swore he’d protect them from.

Because nothing says America First like forcing small farms—some in the same families for a century—to sell out to AgriCorpUltraMegaGlobal™, a corporation so large it needs its own ZIP code and congressional representative. But hey, at least they can take comfort knowing the man they voted for—again—would totally fix this if he weren’t busy explaining to probation officers why he can’t stop posting threats on social media.

And yes, these are the same people who believed the guy whose business record includes:

Casinos that lost money (an achievement once thought impossible) A university deemed a fraud Steaks sold next to frozen waffles And an airline that somehow crashed financially without ever hitting the ground

But they swore he understood them. He was their champion. Their billionaire savior who speaks fluent resentment and performs patriotism the way some people perform karaoke: loudly, badly, and with unwavering confidence.

Now, as they watch their farms swallowed by corporations while Trump reminds them that he alone can fix it, the irony is almost poetic—if poetic irony were written in bankruptcy filings, foreclosure notices, and bulk soybeans no one will buy.

Farmageddon wasn’t an accident. It was the inevitable sequel to electing a man whose business strategy has always been:

Break it Blame someone else Sell hats

But fear not. Trump still promises he’ll make them great again.

Just as soon as he’s done making bail.