Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Let’s clear something up with the cold, dry clarity of a government spreadsheet: America does not have an “illegal immigrant” problem. No, no — what we actually have is a thriving, full-bodied, artisanal, farm-to-table illegal employer problem. The workers are just here picking lettuce, hanging drywall, washing dishes, and keeping half the country’s economy from collapsing into dust. The real spectacle is the parade of business owners who suddenly develop Olympic-level amnesia the moment anyone asks, “So uh… who hired these people?”

Picture this: A federal agent shows up at a worksite, and instead of frog-marching the workers into a van, they simply hand them back their shovels and say, “Carry on, José, you’re doing fine.” Then they turn to the foreman and ask, with the politeness of a dentist’s receptionist, “Hi! Could you point me toward your HR department? We just need to speak with everyone who signed off on this operation, falsified a few documents, shaved a few corners, and magically forgot the meaning of the word ‘eligibility.’”

Suddenly the entire management team dissolves like a sugar cube in hot water. They start mumbling about subcontractors, third-party vendors, temp agencies, and ghosts. Yes, ghosts! Because apparently, no one at these companies has ever hired anyone. People just mysteriously show up, work 60 hours a week, get paid under the table, and somehow the crops still get harvested and the luxury homes still get built. A miracle!

See, if we want to stop undocumented labor, we don’t need border walls, drones, or politicians yelling into microphones about “invasions.” We need a sturdy pair of handcuffs and a map to the nearest C-suite.

Just imagine the efficiency:

Walk into a meat-packing plant, reassure the workers they’re not the problem, then go upstairs and start rounding up executives like Pokémon. “You falsified I-9s? That’s a $50,000 fine. You pretended you didn’t notice your entire workforce magically shared the same address? Deportation hearing is down the hall. And you — yes, you with the country club membership — your lawyer can Skype in.”

Because let’s be real: undocumented workers are not sneaking into America to commit tax fraud, crash the housing market, or eliminate HR best practices. They’re coming for work — work Americans magically stop wanting the minute the job involves sweat, dirt, or lifting anything heavier than a grande latte. Meanwhile, the employers hiring them? They’re the ones gaming the system like it’s a carnival booth.

So maybe it’s time we stopped treating workers like the criminal masterminds and instead went straight for the actual masterminds — the folks who built a business model on “Don’t ask, don’t tell, but definitely do exploit.”

Until then, save the outrage. We don’t have an undocumented immigrant crisis.

We have an undocumented employer crisis — and they’re hiding in air-conditioned offices, not in the fields.