Dwain Northey (Gen X)

The grand “peace deal” — that immaculate diplomatic masterpiece where Ukraine must hand over land, promise never to defend itself, swear off NATO like it’s a bad college ex, and pretend that the nation currently occupying its territory is actually a misunderstood neighbor with a quirky hobby for invasions.

And of course, Russia — the one who started the whole fire — gets to stroll away without so much as a parking ticket. No reparations. No accountability. No concessions. Just a wink, a handshake, and maybe a fresh map showing all the land they now conveniently get to keep.

But wait — the circus hasn’t even begun its second act. Enter Donald Trump, stage right, hair windswept by divine providence or a rogue leaf blower, ready to proclaim himself The Planet’s Greatest Peacemaker™.

Never mind that the “peace” consists of Ukraine being strong-armed into avowing lifelong neutrality, shrinking its military down to something roughly the size of a high school marching band, and giving Russia large chunks of the country like it’s handing out holiday fruitcakes no one wants.

Trump gets the podium. And he gets to brag.

Over and over.

Because in Trumpworld, peace isn’t peace unless Donald gets to slap his signature on it in gold leaf and announce that he alone solved the crisis that everyone else apparently caused by… defending Ukraine’s sovereignty?

But here’s the pièce de corruption:

All reconstruction contracts — every nail, every bridge, every rebuilt town square — must go to American companies.

Not Ukrainian companies.

Not international coalitions.

Not neutral development agencies.

Oh no. Only American companies — the very same companies that, by a wild coincidence, may or may not have donated to Trump, lobbied for Trump, hosted events for Trump, built ballrooms for Trump, or kissed whatever ring he keeps in his desk drawer.

And if Ukraine is lucky, maybe they’ll get to choose which American companies rebuild their bombed-out cities… so long as they choose from a list of firms beginning with “Trump Infrastructure Solutions LLC” and ending with “Mar-a-Lago Global Reconstruction Enterprises.”

Because what’s better than forcing a country to surrender its land and military options?

Forcing it to pay — literally — for the privilege.

Imagine explaining this to any functioning adult:

“Yes, Ukraine must give Russia territory, promise never to defend itself, abandon NATO, and accept permanent vulnerability.

And in exchange, America gets to rebuild everything Russia destroyed — at a tidy profit.

And Donald declares world peace.

Ta-da!”

This isn’t diplomacy.

This is a geopolitical pyramid scheme dressed up as a Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech.

Ukraine loses land.

Ukraine loses security.

Ukraine loses agency.

Russia loses absolutely nothing.

And Trump gains the world’s largest government-mandated construction contract — all while calling himself a hero, a savior, a statesman, and possibly the Second Coming of Clausewitz.

If this is peace, then gravity’s a myth and war is just two countries politely exchanging artillery fire.