Dwain Northey (Gen X)

In the latest installment of “Definitely the Healthiest President Ever, Don’t Ask Questions,” Dementia Don strutted out of his physical clutching his usual trophy: an imaginary report card allegedly stamped with “PERFECT SCORES” in gold leaf. He announced, once again, that he “passed everything with 100%,” including the MRI he didn’t know he was in. Because nothing says commanding presidential health quite like accidentally wandering into medical machinery and declaring victory.

But why was he getting an MRI? Don claims he “doesn’t know,” which—to be fair—may actually be the most medically accurate thing he has ever said. Still, despite not knowing what the exam was for or what it measures, he assured America he “aced it.” Historic! Nobody has ever scored so well on a diagnostic scan that doesn’t have a score. Truly unprecedented leadership.

Then came the cognitive exam, the test no president in history has ever taken unless doctors were quietly whispering, “Maybe we should check under the hood.” And yet Don proudly proclaimed he hit another “100%”—a perfect triumph in the highly advanced presidential skills of identifying zoo animals, drawing a clock, and remembering a list of nouns. He insists this makes him the fittest, sharpest leader the nation has ever seen, despite the entire test essentially being what they give you when they’re worried you might wander into traffic.

This heroic narrative becomes even more… aspirational… when juxtaposed with the recent images of Don literally falling asleep at the Thanksgiving table at Mar-a-Lago—his place card in front of him, his head drooping like a wilted carnation centerpiece. There he is, surrounded by gold leaf, gravy boats, and guests pretending not to notice, slipping into dreamland mid–small talk like a man who mistook the mashed potatoes for a pillow.

Add to that the quiet reports of him nodding off during staff meetings—mid-sentence, mid-briefing, mid-sandwich—while everyone politely pretends it’s a “meditative leadership practice.” Truly, the stamina of a warrior.

And then, across the political universe, there’s former President Biden, the man Don loves to call frail. Biden—who actually went through cancer treatment—looks noticeably fitter, more alert, and more capable than the guy who’s been auditioning for the lead role in Weekend at Bernie’s: Palm Beach Edition. Biden appears ready to do the job he should be doing now, energetic enough to hit briefings, events, and actual governing without needing a mid-lunch power nap or a cognitive exam designed for people who occasionally misplace their car in their own driveway.

Yet here we are, being assured that Dementia Don is “the most perfectly healthy president who ever lived,” despite the cankles of biblical proportion from fluid retention and the public snoozing that has become its own seasonal tradition. His heart? “The best.” His mind? “Sharper than ever.” His body? “Peak performance.”

Just don’t ask why he keeps falling asleep at public events like a Victorian widow overcome by the vapors.

Because according to him, everything is perfect—MRI-perfect, cognition-perfect, Thanksgiving-naptime-perfect. And if you question that? Well, that just proves you’re jealous of his historic ability to sleep through both dessert and national security briefings.