Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Donald John “Arbiter of Peace” Trump—because nothing says global harmony like a man who thinks diplomacy is just a golf course with more flags—has finally cracked the code to that elusive Nobel Peace Prize: just get FIFA to make one up.

After all, if you can’t win the real thing, why not persuade the world’s most dramatically governance-challenged sports organization to invent a prize? FIFA, never a group to shy away from creativity when it comes to awards, titles, or rulebook elasticity, apparently decided that in order to secure the World Cup in the United States, they needed to offer something shinier than a host-nation slot. And voilà: the FIFA Peace Cup™, sponsored by strategic ambiguity and selective memory.

Trump reportedly accepted the honor in a ceremony that looked suspiciously like a halftime show crossed with a campaign rally—complete with pyro, chants, and a trophy that appeared to be repurposed from a Spirit Halloween. Still, he held it aloft as if he’d single-handedly ended war, cured global conflict, and renegotiated the terms of gravity.

But nothing screams peace visionary quite like his obsession with renaming the Department of Defense to the Department of War—a branding choice that’s about as soothing as a fire alarm. The message is clear: if you want peace, you need war, and preferably a war you can loudly announce, theatrically escalate, and eventually forget to finish. Who could possibly misunderstand such serene, monk-like logic?

And so we arrive at the present moment: a man seeking a peace prize by rebranding the Pentagon into something out of a Metallica album, while FIFA—an organization known primarily for soccer, scandals, and occasional geopolitical improvisation—hands him an award for “global stability.”

Somewhere, even satire is asking for a breather.