Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Somewhere right now, as the upper half of the continent is being flash-frozen under a December polar vortex so cold it could make a penguin file a workplace complaint, a group of self-appointed climate geniuses is triumphantly proclaiming: “See! This PROVES global warming is a hoax!”

Because nothing says “I deeply understand atmospheric physics” quite like confusing weather, a short-term local mood swing, with climate, the long-term behavior of an entire planet.

Apparently, if the human race had actually affected the climate by burning fossil fuels for 150 years like we’re hosting a global barbecue nobody asked for, then December in Canada should now resemble Miami Beach with moose. Anything less, and clearly the entire scientific community is just making things up for the frequent-flyer miles.

These are the same folks who believe that if your house is on fire but one room has not yet ignited, congratulations—the whole thing must be perfectly fine. Flames? Smoke? Rising temperatures? No worries. Just go stand in the pantry where it’s cool and declare victory over thermodynamics.

But the real triumph is the explanation for the unseasonable cold. How do they reconcile record lows with decades of data showing warming oceans, melting ice caps, and enough greenhouse gases to turn Earth into a slow cooker? Easy. They don’t. They just point to the thermometer, yell “Checkmate, liberals!” and consider the scientific method complete.

Meanwhile, actual climate scientists are standing there like exhausted kindergarten teachers trying to explain that warming the global climate also destabilizes the jet stream, which then causes—you guessed it—more intense polar vortex events. But good luck with that, because the moment you say “jet stream,” someone will respond, “Oh here we go with the conspiracy airline talk again.”

It’s truly remarkable: a group of people who will spend three days researching toaster reviews before buying anything at Walmart have zero hesitation dismissing an entire field of science because they had to scrape ice off their windshield this morning.

So yes, Canada is being deep-froze in December with record-breaking cold. Yes, it’s unseasonable. And yes, it is literally exactly the kind of extreme weather climate scientists have warned about for years.

But please—tell us again how if the planet were really warming, you wouldn’t need to put on gloves today. Tell us how the Earth, a 4.5-billion-year-old system with interconnected atmospheric and oceanic dynamics, must conform to the comfort settings of your thermostat or else the whole field of climatology collapses.

After all, nothing says “scientific credibility” like believing the global climate operates on the same principles as your local forecast app.