Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Once upon a time—specifically in 2012—Mitt Romney stood on a debate stage and delivered the immortal line, “Corporations are people, my friend.” It was said with the calm confidence of a man who genuinely believed that ExxonMobil tucked its children into bed at night and worried about its student loans. That sentence was not a slip of the tongue; it was a mission statement. It became shorthand for a Republican Party whose greatest humanitarian concern was whether capital felt sufficiently loved and protected.

Fast forward to today, and suddenly Romney appears to have been visited by three spectral apparitions: the Ghost of Republicans Past, the Ghost of Actuaries Present, and the Ghost of Math Yet to Come. Because now—brace yourself—he’s suggesting there should be no cap on Social Security payroll taxes and that capital gains should help fund SSI. Capital gains. For Social Security. Somewhere, a hedge fund manager just fainted onto a leather chaise lounge.

This is, to put it mildly, heresy. The man who once treated corporations like vulnerable single parents is now suggesting that wealthy individuals and investors might have to contribute more to the same system regular workers pay into every paycheck. The same system Republicans swear they love right up until the moment it requires asking rich people for money. Apparently, Romney has decided that if Social Security is going to survive, the laws of arithmetic might need to apply universally, even to those who summer in Aspen.

Let’s be clear: Romney didn’t suddenly turn into Bernie Sanders. He hasn’t started calling yachts “late-stage capitalism floatation devices.” He merely noticed that the current cap on taxable wages for Social Security means a teacher pays SSI taxes on all of their income, while a billionaire stops contributing sometime around February and spends the rest of the year free-loading off the concept of civilization. This modest observation alone is enough to get you branded a Marxist in today’s GOP.

The modern Republican Party will not receive this kindly. They will clutch their pearls—gold-plated, tax-advantaged pearls—and whisper that Mitt has “gone Washington,” “lost touch,” or worst of all, “started sounding reasonable.” Tucker Carlson will likely accuse him of plotting to nationalize golf courses. Someone on X will post a blurry photo of Romney next to a red flag and declare him a socialist sleeper agent activated by Big Spreadsheet.

And disown him they will. This iteration of the Republican Party has no room for apostates who suggest that capitalism might survive even if capital is occasionally taxed. Romney’s proposal violates the first commandment of MAGA economics: deficits are fake unless Democrats are in power, and taxes are theft unless they’re regressive. By suggesting that capital gains—literally money made from money—should help support retirees and the disabled, Romney has committed the ultimate sin: he implied that the wealthy are part of society, not separate from it.

So expect the excommunication papers any day now. Romney will be described as “out of step with the base,” which is polite code for “he remembered how numbers work.” His past will be erased, his loyalty questioned, and his famous “corporations are people” quote will be quietly retired, because nothing confuses the modern GOP more than ideological consistency.

In the end, Mitt Romney hasn’t changed that much. He’s still a cautious institutionalist who believes systems should function and not collapse in a screaming heap. The problem is that today’s Republican Party no longer believes in systems—only vibes, grievances, and tax cuts that trickle upward like a reverse waterfall.

And so the man who once humanized corporations has now committed the unforgivable act of humanizing Social Security. For this, he will not be forgiven.