Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Once again, Grandpa Trump has wandered into the global affairs wing of the museum, tripped over a timeline, and declared himself the smartest man in the room. This time, the target is Denmark—specifically Greenland—and the justification is vintage Grandpa: Danish boats landed there 500 years ago, therefore Denmark doesn’t really get to keep it.

This is the geopolitical equivalent of yelling “finders keepers” while actively living inside a house founded on armed rebellion against that exact idea.

Let’s slow this down, because irony clearly does not register in Grandpa Trump’s adult, adult, irony-impaired brain.

Yes—the Danes landed on Greenland. That is correct. And here’s the part Grandpa seems to skip, possibly because it ruins the whole fantasy: Denmark is a Danish country. This wasn’t some unrelated Viking Uber drop-off. Greenland became part of the Danish realm and, inconveniently for cable-news imperialism, remains a territory of Denmark today, with broad self-governance and international recognition.

This is how modern sovereignty works. Not vibes. Not 15th-century parking receipts. Law.

Greenland’s relationship to Denmark is roughly equivalent to Puerto Rico’s relationship to the United States. And notice how no one—no matter how bored or belligerent—stands at a podium and says, “Well, Spain was there first, so Puerto Rico is up for grabs.” That would sound insane. Because it is insane.

But insanity, like irony, is apparently not a deal-breaker anymore.

Now comes the part where Grandpa’s argument detonates itself.

About 500 years ago, the British landed on the shores of North America. Later, British citizens living on that land took up arms against Britain, told the crown to pound sand, and founded what we now call the United States of America. This is not obscure history. This is the origin story. This is literally the brand.

By Grandpa Trump’s logic, Britain should be able to show up tomorrow, wave a musket, and say, “Sorry lads, we were here first.” Which means the American Revolution was just a paperwork error and the Fourth of July is basically a typo.

And that’s before we even acknowledge the massive, screaming historical reality that there were indigenous peoples here already—millions of them—long before any British boots, Danish sails, or European land grabs entered the chat.

So let’s summarize Grandpa Logic™:

When Europeans landed somewhere and we benefited → destiny When Europeans landed somewhere and others benefited → invalid When history contradicts this → fake When irony is pointed out → witch hunt

This isn’t foreign policy. This is a senile game of Risk played with selectively remembered flashcards and a permanent grievance hangover.

The real issue isn’t Greenland. It’s that Grandpa Trump treats history like a buffet where you pile your plate with whatever justifies power and shove everything else under the table. Sovereignty becomes optional. Law becomes negotiable. Reality becomes a hostile witness.

Greenland is Danish because Denmark exists, governs it, and is internationally recognized as doing so. The United States exists because people rejected colonial ownership at gunpoint. Both of these facts cannot coexist with Grandpa’s argument—and so, naturally, Grandpa pretends one of them never happened.

If irony were taxable, the national debt would be gone by breakfast. Instead, we’re left with a former president who believes that ancient landings invalidate modern nations—unless, of course, those nations are his.

Denmark remains Denmark. Greenland remains Greenland. The United States remains a contradiction wrapped in a revolution. And Grandpa Trump remains blissfully unaware that the argument he’s making doesn’t just fail.

It erases America itself.