Dwain Northey (Gen X)

It is one of the great scientific mysteries of our time: the gravitational force that prevents responsibility from landing anywhere near certain members of the Republican Party, particularly those currently steering the national ship while insisting someone else must be holding the wheel.

You have to admire the consistency. Markets dip? Clearly the fault of the previous administration, the Federal Reserve, global winds, or possibly the alignment of Jupiter. Job numbers disappoint? Sabotage. Shadowy bureaucrats. Maybe a time-traveling intern from 1997. Gas prices rise? International conspiracy. Gas prices fall? Heroic leadership. Rainstorm during a campaign rally? Suspicious. Sunshine? Divine approval.

The only thing that never seems to appear on the suspect list is… them.

At this point, the blame game has become less of a political strategy and more of a performance art installation titled Accountability: A Study in Absence. One half expects a press conference announcing that recent missteps were actually orchestrated by long-retired presidents, obscure regulatory footnotes, or possibly a strongly worded memo written during the Truman administration that only just now took effect.

Frankly, I’m a little surprised we haven’t heard that missed economic targets were secretly caused by John F. Kennedy forgetting to proofread something in 1962, or Lyndon B. Johnson misplacing a decimal point while busy passing landmark legislation. Give it time. There’s still plenty of historical real estate left to blame. If necessary, they can always circle back to the Founding Fathers. “The parchment ink chemistry created structural headwinds.” Sounds official enough.

Meanwhile, we are treated to the familiar split-screen reality: troubling indicators on one side, triumphant declarations on the other. Because while wage growth may wobble and hiring may stall, have you seen the Dow? The Dow is doing great. The Dow is thriving. The Dow is practically glowing with patriotic enthusiasm. If the Dow were any healthier, it would be jogging through a wheat field in slow motion.

This selective celebration is truly elegant. Negative data points are malicious rumors spread by enemies of progress, but positive ones are iron-clad proof of genius leadership. It’s like a restaurant review system where every bad comment is fake and every good comment is carved into marble. One begins to wonder why statistics bother existing at all when they can simply be sorted into “treason” and “tremendous.”

Of course, the deeper marvel is the endurance of the narrative. Because blaming others is not new in politics. What’s new is the industrial efficiency of it—the seamless, reflexive, almost aerodynamic deflection. Responsibility approaches, sees the “No Vacancy” sign, and politely exits through the nearest talking point.

And yet, through it all, the confidence never wavers. Tomorrow’s setback will surely be yesterday’s fault, and yesterday’s success will absolutely be today’s triumph. The circle of blame remains perfectly unbroken, like a patriotic ouroboros devouring its own press release.

Still, we should look on the bright side. If nothing is ever their fault, then nothing can ever truly go wrong. Reality itself becomes optional—an inspiring message for us all.

And if that doesn’t make you feel better, just remember:

The Dow’s doing great.