Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Armageddon: Now With Cruise Missiles and Congressional Funding

Well, here we are again. The United States is attacking Iran. Because if there’s one lesson we’ve learned over the past few decades, it’s that military action in the Middle East always works out smoothly, calms everyone down, stabilizes the region, lowers gas prices, and definitely doesn’t spiral into decades-long chaos.

But the real excitement isn’t in the Pentagon or the oil markets.

No, the real enthusiasm is coming from a very special corner of American politics—the religious End-Times crowd—who are practically giddy because apparently bombing Iran might finally kick off Armageddon.

Yes, that Armageddon. The big one. The grand finale from the Book of Revelation. Fire, plagues, cosmic battles, the whole apocalypse starter kit. And if everything goes according to plan, Jesus returns, the righteous get their heavenly upgrade, and paradise begins.

Now most people, when they hear the phrase “Middle East war,” think things like:

“This could destabilize the region.”

“This could kill a lot of innocent people.”

“This could spiral into something far worse.”

But the prophecy crowd hears the same news and thinks:

“FINALLY. We might be getting close to the season finale.”

Because in their view, wars involving Israel and its neighbors aren’t horrifying geopolitical crises—they’re plot developments. Every missile launch is basically another page turning in the biblical screenplay.

Some people watch CNN.

Others are apparently watching Revelation like it’s a sports broadcast.

“Alright folks, if this conflict spreads just a little further north, we may be looking at a full Ezekiel 38 scenario. That’s a bold move, let’s see how it plays out.”

Now let’s examine the theology driving this excitement, because it’s truly something.

The theory goes roughly like this:

War breaks out in the Middle East. Global chaos spreads. Massive destruction occurs. Jesus returns. Believers get eternal paradise.

Now you might notice a tiny logistical detail buried in the middle of that plan.

Steps two and three involve catastrophic suffering and the collapse of civilization.

But apparently that’s just the necessary setup for the heavenly real estate development that comes afterward.

In other words, the sales pitch sounds something like this:

“Yes, millions of people may die and the world may burn… but have you heard about the amenities in eternity?”

It’s a fascinating worldview where war isn’t something to avoid—it’s something to accelerate.

Diplomacy slows down prophecy.

Peace delays the Second Coming.

And if you really believe the apocalypse is the gateway to paradise, then every bomb dropped in the Middle East isn’t a tragedy…

It’s progress.

Which leads to the absolutely surreal position the United States occasionally finds itself in: a nuclear-armed superpower whose foreign policy is being cheered on by people who are actively rooting for the end of the world.

Think about that for a second.

Most civilizations try to prevent Armageddon.

We apparently have a voting bloc that’s trying to schedule it.

Call me crazy, but maybe foreign policy shouldn’t be guided by interpretations of ancient apocalyptic poetry written two thousand years ago during Roman imperial occupation.

Maybe the strategy meetings should involve diplomats, historians, economists, and people who understand the consequences of war.

Not people flipping through Revelation like they’re checking the instruction manual for how to trigger the apocalypse faster.

Because if your geopolitical strategy is literally:

“Let’s see if we can help start the biblical end of the world,”

that’s not really national security.

That’s a doomsday cult with aircraft carriers.

And honestly, if Armageddon is truly part of God’s master plan, I’m fairly certain it doesn’t require help from the Pentagon.

God probably doesn’t need a congressional authorization for the use of force.

And I’m pretty sure the Second Coming isn’t waiting for the United States military to provide air support.