Dwain Northey (Gen X)

I guess this is where my OCD gets personally offended—like, not in a clinical sense, but in a “my brain cannot compute this level of chaos” kind of way.

We’re going to the beach. A weekend. Two days. Maybe three if we’re feeling reckless. The itinerary is essentially: sit near water, occasionally enter water, complain about sand, repeat. And yet somehow, people are out here packing like they’re relocating permanently to a coastal kingdom with no access to civilization.

Two. Giant. Suitcases.

For what? Are we planning outfit changes for every emotional phase of the tide? “This is my 9:00 a.m. contemplative shoreline look, this is my 11:30 ‘accidentally got splashed’ ensemble, and of course my 2:15 ‘dramatic walk away from the ocean’ outfit.” Meanwhile, I’m over here with one bag thinking, “Swimsuit, shorts, shirt… I think I’ve covered every possible scenario short of a royal gala breaking out next to the surf.”

And that’s the thing—where exactly are we going that requires this level of preparedness? Cabo isn’t suddenly going to announce a surprise black-tie event between margaritas. San Diego is not going to revoke your beach access because you didn’t bring six pairs of shoes. Hawaii is not sitting there thinking, “Wow, she only brought three outfits? Embarrassing. Send her back.”

It’s a beach. The dress code is “barely trying.”

But no, apparently we need options. Endless options. A backup for the backup of the backup, just in case the vibe shifts dramatically between brunch and sunset. Because nothing says “relaxing weekend” like dragging 80 pounds of ‘just in case’ through an airport so you can wear the same two things anyway.

That’s my favorite part—you know it all comes down to two outfits. The “I just got here” outfit and the “this is all I wear now” outfit. Everything else is just emotional support fabric.

So yes, maybe it’s me. Maybe my brain just prefers efficiency over hauling a portable department store across state lines. But if we’re going somewhere where the primary activity is existing near water, I feel like needing two suitcases raises some deeper philosophical questions.

Like… are we going to the beach, or are we fleeing society and starting a new one?