Dwain Northey (Gen X)

It’s becoming increasingly clear that Donald Trump has unlocked a bold new diplomatic strategy: negotiations conducted entirely in his own head. It’s efficient, really—no translators, no inconvenient facts, and absolutely no risk of the other side contradicting him… unless, of course, they do so publicly, which keeps happening.

Take Iran, for example. According to Donald, talks are going “beautifully,” progress is being made, and deals are practically signed in invisible ink. Meanwhile, officials from Iran are out here politely (and repeatedly) saying, “We have no idea who this man is talking to.” It’s less “backchannel diplomacy” and more “imaginary friend summit.”

One has to admire the confidence. Most people, when caught claiming conversations that never happened, might dial it back a bit. Not Donald. He doubles down, adds details, maybe throws in a “they respect me very much,” and carries on as if the rest of the world just missed the memo… or reality.

At this point, the only logical conclusion is that somewhere, in a very luxurious room, Donald is seated across from an empty chair, nodding thoughtfully, interrupting himself, and declaring victory over a negotiation that exists exclusively in his own narrative. Frankly, it’s the smoothest foreign policy he’s ever run—no opposition, no complications, and best of all, no actual participants.

The only problem? Reality keeps RSVPing “not attending.”