Dwain Northey (Gen X)

BREAKING: Nation in Crisis as Gavin Newsom Steals Trump’s Caps Lock

In a shocking turn of events that experts are already calling “worse than Watergate, Benghazi, and low shower pressure combined,” California Governor Gavin Newsom mocked Donald J. Trump using—brace yourselves—Trump’s own writing style.

The reaction from Trump-world was immediate and hysterical.

“This is an ATTACK on the Presidency, on the English language, and frankly on CAPS LOCK itself,” declared Congressman Jim Jordan, while sweating through his eighth shirt of the morning. “Democrats should stick to boring paragraphs nobody understands. That’s their brand!”

Sean Hannity opened his show with a dramatic monologue, whispering: “If Gavin Newsom can use Trump’s style, what’s next? Will he also stand awkwardly with his tie too long? Will he eat McDonald’s in bed? Will he hold a Bible upside down? America, we must stop this.”

Even Trump himself was reportedly enraged. According to aides, he stormed into the Mar-a-Lago ballroom, demanded a Sharpie, and screamed:

“EVERYBODY SAYS I WRITE THE BEST TWEETS. The BEST tweets. Newsom is copying me—poorly. Very poorly. Sad imitation. People are saying—many people—that he should be locked up for this.”

Rudy Giuliani, calling in from what appeared to be the back of a liquor store, added: “This is clearly illegal. Somewhere. Probably in the Constitution. Maybe the Articles of Confederation. I’ll find it.”

But perhaps the most dramatic reaction came from Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, who posted in all caps: “NEWSOM STOLE TRUMP’S VOICE. THIS IS LIKE WHEN DISNEY TRIED TO REPLACE MICKEY MOUSE WITH A FAKE MOUSE. UNAMERICAN!!!”

Critics note that Trump supporters have never before objected to childish name-calling, incoherent rants, or social media meltdowns. In fact, many of them own T-shirts, coffee mugs, and decorative throw pillows emblazoned with Trump’s “classic insults.” But now, faced with a Democrat throwing shade in the same tone, they are describing it as “the greatest act of political terrorism in U.S. history.”

Meanwhile, Gavin Newsom simply shrugged and tweeted, “Thanks for your attention to this matter.”

Analysts say Trump-world is unlikely to recover. As one Republican strategist put it: “We were fine with a leader acting like a toddler. But the moment Democrats joined in? That was just TOO FAR.”