Dwain Northey (Gen X)

The Most Honest Campaign Sign Never Made

It’s campaign season again here in Phoenix, which means every major intersection looks like a yard-sale explosion of political signs. Governor, legislature, city council, dog catcher—if there’s an office available, somebody’s smiling awkwardly from a corrugated plastic rectangle asking for my vote.

And every year I notice the same thing.

The Republican signs always say something like “Fiscal Conservative,” “Protecting Taxpayers,” or “Conservative Leadership.” The Democrat signs usually talk about education, healthcare, opportunity, or some variation of “working for Arizona families.”

What I never see is a sign that simply tells me what the candidate actually plans to do.

You know, honesty in advertising.

Imagine driving down the street and seeing a sign that says:

“Current state budget is balanced and functioning fine. Vote for me and we’re going to screw with it.”

At least I’d appreciate the honesty.

Because that’s what always puzzles me about political campaigns. If the economy is doing reasonably well, the roads aren’t collapsing, schools are still open, and the state somehow managed to balance the books, why is every challenger acting like they’ve discovered a five-alarm fire?

If you’re running against the current administration, your campaign slogan is basically, “Everything they’re doing is terrible.”

Really?

Everything?

The budget’s balanced. The lights are on. The checks aren’t bouncing. The state hasn’t sunk into the Gulf of California.

Yet every candidate shows up claiming they’re going to “fix” things.

Fix what exactly?

Because if I hire a mechanic and my car is running perfectly, I get nervous when he starts talking about all the parts he wants to replace.

Politics often feels the same way.

Candidates never say, “You know what? My opponent actually got a few things right. I’d mostly leave those alone and just improve a couple areas.”

Oh no.

That kind of honesty would apparently violate some sacred law of campaigning.

Instead, every election is presented as if civilization itself hangs in the balance.

Vote for me or the state will collapse.

Vote for the other guy and democracy ends.

Vote for her and taxes will consume the Earth.

Vote for him and public services will disappear.

It’s always the end of the world. Every single election. Somehow we’ve been living through the final battle between good and evil every two years for my entire adult life.

And yet somehow we keep waking up the next morning.

The reality is that governments are often like homeowners associations. Most of the time the truly successful ones are the boring ones. The garbage gets collected. The bills get paid. The roads get repaired occasionally. Nobody notices because things are functioning.

But politicians can’t campaign on boredom.

Nobody’s putting up signs that say:

“State Government: Adequately Managed Since 2022.”

Or:

“Vote for Me. I Promise Not to Break Anything.”

Which is a shame because I’d probably vote for that person.

The older I get, the more suspicious I become of people who arrive loudly announcing that everything is broken and only they possess the magical wisdom to fix it.

Sometimes I want a candidate to stand at a podium and say:

“Honestly, things are okay. Not perfect, but okay. I’d like to improve a few things, leave the rest alone, and avoid creating new problems.”

I’d probably fall out of my chair from shock.

Until then, I’ll continue driving through Phoenix during campaign season, staring at all those signs and wondering why nobody has the courage to print the most honest slogan in politics:

“Vote for Me. I’m About to Change a Bunch of Stuff That Was Working Fine.”