Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Here We Go Again: Donald’s Great American Rename-a-Thon

Here we go again.

Apparently, Donald Trump has discovered yet another pressing crisis facing the United States: geography has insufficient Donald Trump branding.

Forget inflation. Forget healthcare. Forget the national debt. Forget infrastructure, housing, climate, or any of those pesky little issues that actually affect Americans.

No, the real emergency is that there are still things in America that do not have Donald Trump’s name attached to them.

So now, because apparently his feelings have once again been bruised by the existence of something that wasn’t named after him, we get another episode of Donald Trump Presents: The Great American Rename-a-Thon.

The latest brilliant contribution to the republic is the idea of renaming Lake Ontario the “Lake of America.”

Because apparently Lake Ontario has been living a lie all these years.

Never mind that it is an enormous lake shared by the United States and Canada, has been called Lake Ontario for centuries, and somehow managed to exist without needing a presidential branding campaign. But apparently that’s unacceptable.

After all, Donald already gave us the Gulf of America, because apparently the Gulf of Mexico woke up one morning and discovered it had failed to properly compliment the president.

And then there is the Kennedy Center.

Because why stop at bodies of water?

Why not slap your name on one of America’s most recognizable cultural institutions?

Apparently, the Donald Trump Memorial School of Subtlety believes that if your name isn’t physically engraved on enough buildings, monuments, maps and bodies of water, history might somehow forget you.

This is what happens when narcissism gets a stationery budget.

Imagine previous presidents behaving this way.

George Washington: “You know what this country needs? Washington River.”

Abraham Lincoln: “I think the Great Lakes could use some better branding.”

Franklin Roosevelt: “Perhaps the Atlantic should be renamed Roosevelt’s Big Wet Thing.”

Dwight Eisenhower: “I demand that every interstate highway contain my name at least six times.”

Presidents traditionally understood that the office was temporary and the country belonged to the people.

Donald apparently sees the presidency as a real-estate opportunity.

He doesn’t merely want to govern America. He wants to redecorate it.

If something already has a perfectly good name, change it.

If somebody else’s name is on it, replace it.

If history is attached to it, rewrite it.

If it occupies physical space, there is apparently an excellent opportunity to put his name on it in enormous gold letters.

And let’s be clear about the absurdity here: renaming things doesn’t make America stronger.

It doesn’t lower the price of groceries.

It doesn’t make healthcare more affordable.

It doesn’t fix roads.

It doesn’t create housing.

It doesn’t balance the budget.

It doesn’t improve America’s standing in the world.

It doesn’t magically make the economy better.

It doesn’t even make Lake Ontario any bigger.

It simply creates another shiny little monument to Donald Trump’s extraordinarily fragile ego.

And perhaps that’s the most revealing part.

A president who is genuinely confident in his legacy doesn’t need to constantly remind everyone that he exists.

History has a funny way of taking care of that.

Washington didn’t need to rename every river.

Lincoln didn’t need to put his name on every building.

FDR didn’t need to rename the Atlantic Ocean.

Their accomplishments—or failures—became their legacy.

Because that’s the thing about history: you can’t permanently manufacture your way into it.

You can change a sign.

You can change a plaque.

You can change a name.

You can put your name in giant gold letters on a building.

But you can’t change what actually happened.

And you certainly can’t bully history into loving you.

So, by all means, Donald, keep going.

Rename the lakes.

Rename the gulfs.

Rename the buildings.

Rename the streets.

Rename the airports.

Hell, at this point, perhaps we should just rename the entire country “Trumpica.”

Then you can finally stop worrying that somebody might forget your name.

Although knowing Donald, he’d probably complain that the letters aren’t big enough.