Dwain Northey (Gen X)

I had some interesting dreams last night. Actually, interesting might be a little too generous a description. They were more along the lines of anxiety-inducing workplace nightmares, which is particularly amusing when you consider that I haven’t worked for anyone other than myself in nearly ten years.

For some reason, my subconscious decided it was time to revisit the joys of having a job, a department, a schedule, and apparently an overwhelming fear of being late. There I was, wandering around some unfamiliar workplace, trying to find my department, not knowing where I was supposed to be, worrying that I was going to be late, and generally experiencing all the anxiety associated with being the new guy who somehow managed to show up without knowing where the hell he was supposed to go.

Here’s the funny part: I haven’t had a boss in almost a decade. I drive rideshare. I work for myself. I decide when I work, where I work, and, within reason, when I call it a day. There isn’t a supervisor waiting for me to explain why I’m late. There isn’t a department manager wondering where I’ve disappeared to. There isn’t even a time clock waiting to judge my questionable relationship with punctuality.

So where exactly is this anxiety coming from?

Apparently, my subconscious has decided that nearly ten years of independence isn’t enough to erase the institutional programming of decades of employment. Somewhere in the back of my head, there’s still a little employee waiting to be reprimanded for not knowing where he’s supposed to be.

Maybe that’s what dreams do. They take old experiences, unresolved emotions, familiar fears, and random pieces of our daily existence, throw them into a mental blender, and serve us something that makes absolutely no sense when we wake up. We spend our waking hours convinced we’ve moved beyond certain things, only to discover that our sleeping brains apparently didn’t get the memo.

And then there’s the other interesting part of last night’s entertainment: my ex-wife made an appearance.

Because apparently wandering around a nonexistent workplace worrying about being late wasn’t enough. My subconscious decided to bring in a supporting cast member from a previous chapter of my life. Why? What exactly is the connection between not being able to find my department and having my ex-wife show up in my dreams? Is there some hidden psychological connection, or did my brain simply decide that if it was going to manufacture anxiety, it might as well go all in?

Perhaps there’s a certain irony in the combination. The workplace dreams represent a time when I had obligations, expectations, and people to answer to. The appearance of my ex-wife represents another period of life that came with its own expectations, responsibilities, disappointments, and unresolved questions.

Neither necessarily has anything to do with my present circumstances. But both were once significant parts of my life, and apparently the filing cabinet in my subconscious hasn’t been particularly diligent about archiving old material.

Of course, I’m not going to pretend that every dream is some elaborate psychological message from the universe. Sometimes a dream is just a dream. Sometimes the brain is housekeeping, sometimes it’s processing stress, and sometimes it’s apparently producing a low-budget psychological thriller starring people who haven’t worked together in years.

But I do wonder whether there’s something to the timing.

We’ve all got experiences that leave impressions long after the circumstances themselves have disappeared. We can change jobs, relationships, homes, routines, and entire chapters of our lives, but that doesn’t necessarily mean the emotional associations disappear along with them. The conscious mind moves forward. The subconscious apparently takes a little longer to catch up.

Maybe the real question isn’t why I’m dreaming about being late for work when I haven’t had a boss in ten years. Maybe it’s why my brain thinks I still have something to prove, someone to answer to, or some unfinished business waiting around the corner.

And why, when it has an entire universe of possibilities to dream about, does it choose to bring back the people and circumstances most likely to make me uncomfortable?

I suppose there’s a certain mutual psychosis involved here. My waking brain has spent nearly a decade establishing that I’m perfectly capable of managing my own life, while my sleeping brain is apparently convinced I’m about to get fired from a job I don’t even have.

And somewhere in the middle of all that, my ex-wife gets a guest appearance.

Thanks, brain. Really appreciate the production value.

Tonight, perhaps we could try something different. Maybe a beach, a vacation, winning the lottery, or at the very least a workplace where I actually know where my department is.

Although, knowing my luck, I’ll probably dream that I’m late for my own vacation and my ex-wife is already there.