Esoteric Meandering Shouting Into the Void

Dwain Northey (Gen X)

In the latest installment of “Definitely the Healthiest President Ever, Don’t Ask Questions,” Dementia Don strutted out of his physical clutching his usual trophy: an imaginary report card allegedly stamped with “PERFECT SCORES” in gold leaf. He announced, once again, that he “passed everything with 100%,” including the MRI he didn’t know he was in. Because nothing says commanding presidential health quite like accidentally wandering into medical machinery and declaring victory.

But why was he getting an MRI? Don claims he “doesn’t know,” which—to be fair—may actually be the most medically accurate thing he has ever said. Still, despite not knowing what the exam was for or what it measures, he assured America he “aced it.” Historic! Nobody has ever scored so well on a diagnostic scan that doesn’t have a score. Truly unprecedented leadership.

Then came the cognitive exam, the test no president in history has ever taken unless doctors were quietly whispering, “Maybe we should check under the hood.” And yet Don proudly proclaimed he hit another “100%”—a perfect triumph in the highly advanced presidential skills of identifying zoo animals, drawing a clock, and remembering a list of nouns. He insists this makes him the fittest, sharpest leader the nation has ever seen, despite the entire test essentially being what they give you when they’re worried you might wander into traffic.

This heroic narrative becomes even more… aspirational… when juxtaposed with the recent images of Don literally falling asleep at the Thanksgiving table at Mar-a-Lago—his place card in front of him, his head drooping like a wilted carnation centerpiece. There he is, surrounded by gold leaf, gravy boats, and guests pretending not to notice, slipping into dreamland mid–small talk like a man who mistook the mashed potatoes for a pillow.

Add to that the quiet reports of him nodding off during staff meetings—mid-sentence, mid-briefing, mid-sandwich—while everyone politely pretends it’s a “meditative leadership practice.” Truly, the stamina of a warrior.

And then, across the political universe, there’s former President Biden, the man Don loves to call frail. Biden—who actually went through cancer treatment—looks noticeably fitter, more alert, and more capable than the guy who’s been auditioning for the lead role in Weekend at Bernie’s: Palm Beach Edition. Biden appears ready to do the job he should be doing now, energetic enough to hit briefings, events, and actual governing without needing a mid-lunch power nap or a cognitive exam designed for people who occasionally misplace their car in their own driveway.

Yet here we are, being assured that Dementia Don is “the most perfectly healthy president who ever lived,” despite the cankles of biblical proportion from fluid retention and the public snoozing that has become its own seasonal tradition. His heart? “The best.” His mind? “Sharper than ever.” His body? “Peak performance.”

Just don’t ask why he keeps falling asleep at public events like a Victorian widow overcome by the vapors.

Because according to him, everything is perfect—MRI-perfect, cognition-perfect, Thanksgiving-naptime-perfect. And if you question that? Well, that just proves you’re jealous of his historic ability to sleep through both dessert and national security briefings.

Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Since we’re in the month, that Christians tell the story of the miraculous birth of a demigod of Jewish faith in Bethlehem like it’s never been told before we’re gonna explore stories in antiquity that pre-date the Christian claim let’s start with Dionysis.

Long before the Gospel writers described a baby in Bethlehem, ancient Greeks told the story of another miraculous child—a divine son, born under extraordinary circumstances, destined to bring joy, transformation, and spiritual liberation to humanity. His name was Dionysus, and for many historians of religion, the parallels between his mythic birth and the later Christian nativity are striking enough to make the ancient world feel like it was working off a familiar template.

A Miraculous Birth to a Mortal Woman

One of the most resonant parallels lies in the birth narrative itself. Dionysus, in the most famous version, is the son of Zeus and the mortal woman Semele. His conception is divine; his mother is human. This theme—a god fathering a child with a mortal woman, producing a savior-like figure—was well established in Greek myth centuries before the earliest Christian texts.

Semele’s pregnancy provokes fury from Hera, who engineers Semele’s death. Zeus saves the unborn Dionysus, sewing the fetal god into his own thigh until he is ready to be born. While this is not the serene pastoral manger scene of Christian tradition, it is unmistakably a miraculous birth story, one in which the child’s divine origin sets him apart from humanity and marks his arrival as cosmically significant.

Signs, Wonders, and Divine Recognition

In Greek tradition, the infant Dionysus is often hidden, protected, or miraculously nurtured—sometimes by nymphs, sometimes by nature itself. Stories abound of wonders that occur around him, such as vines bursting into fruit or animals behaving with reverence. These motifs—the miraculous child, the natural world responding to his presence, divine beings recognizing him—echo the literary patterns that later appear in the Christian accounts of shepherds, angels, stars, and prophecies marking Jesus’s birth.

A God Who Comes to Earth for Humanity

Dionysus is unique among Greek gods because he does not simply sit atop Olympus dispensing favors. He walks among mortals, bringing spiritual ecstasy, liberation from suffering, and a path to divine communion. His presence among humanity is meant to transform and redeem, especially for those marginalized or oppressed. This idea—a divine figure who descends to earth to uplift humanity—is a core theological motif that Christianity later embraces through the figure of Jesus.

Persecution, Death, and Return

Some versions of the Dionysus myth include his persecution by earthly rulers, his violent dismemberment by the Titans, and his subsequent rebirth or resurrection. This “passion myth” became central to Dionysian worship, especially in Orphic traditions, where Dionysus represents the god who suffers, dies, and returns for the salvation of humankind. While not part of the nativity story, these surrounding themes create an even stronger sense of prefiguration: a divine child whose life arc embodies suffering, death, and renewal long before Christianity articulates similar themes.

Communal Ritual and Symbolic Sacrament

Dionysian worship involved ritual meals, ecstatic gatherings, and a ceremony in which worshipers symbolically consumed the god’s essence—often through wine representing Dionysus himself. Early Christians, especially pagan observers in the Roman Empire, immediately noticed the resonance between this and the Eucharist, the ritual of consuming the body and blood of Christ. Early Christian apologists felt compelled to argue that these similarities were either superficial or demonic imitations—an admission that audiences of the time did, in fact, see Dionysian themes as precedents.

A Pre-Christian Pattern, Not a Copy

None of this means that Christianity directly “copied” Dionysus. Ancient religions did not operate like modern intellectual property courts. Instead, the Mediterranean world shared a powerful mythic grammar: divine sons born miraculously, gods who walk among humans, saviors who suffer and rise again. Dionysus simply illustrates how deeply these ideas were rooted in the cultural imagination long before the nativity story in the New Testament.

Conclusion

The myth of Dionysus predates Christianity by many centuries and contains thematic parallels that are impossible to ignore: a divine birth to a mortal woman, a miraculous childhood, a god who descends to humanity, a cycle of suffering and renewal, and rituals of communal spiritual communion. Whether one sees these parallels as coincidence, archetype, or cultural influence, the story of Dionysus reminds us that the longing for a divine child who brings joy, salvation, and transformation is not unique to Bethlehem—it is woven into the mythic fabric of the ancient world itself.

Dwain Northey (Gen X)

The grand “peace deal” — that immaculate diplomatic masterpiece where Ukraine must hand over land, promise never to defend itself, swear off NATO like it’s a bad college ex, and pretend that the nation currently occupying its territory is actually a misunderstood neighbor with a quirky hobby for invasions.

And of course, Russia — the one who started the whole fire — gets to stroll away without so much as a parking ticket. No reparations. No accountability. No concessions. Just a wink, a handshake, and maybe a fresh map showing all the land they now conveniently get to keep.

But wait — the circus hasn’t even begun its second act. Enter Donald Trump, stage right, hair windswept by divine providence or a rogue leaf blower, ready to proclaim himself The Planet’s Greatest Peacemaker™.

Never mind that the “peace” consists of Ukraine being strong-armed into avowing lifelong neutrality, shrinking its military down to something roughly the size of a high school marching band, and giving Russia large chunks of the country like it’s handing out holiday fruitcakes no one wants.

Trump gets the podium. And he gets to brag.

Over and over.

Because in Trumpworld, peace isn’t peace unless Donald gets to slap his signature on it in gold leaf and announce that he alone solved the crisis that everyone else apparently caused by… defending Ukraine’s sovereignty?

But here’s the pièce de corruption:

All reconstruction contracts — every nail, every bridge, every rebuilt town square — must go to American companies.

Not Ukrainian companies.

Not international coalitions.

Not neutral development agencies.

Oh no. Only American companies — the very same companies that, by a wild coincidence, may or may not have donated to Trump, lobbied for Trump, hosted events for Trump, built ballrooms for Trump, or kissed whatever ring he keeps in his desk drawer.

And if Ukraine is lucky, maybe they’ll get to choose which American companies rebuild their bombed-out cities… so long as they choose from a list of firms beginning with “Trump Infrastructure Solutions LLC” and ending with “Mar-a-Lago Global Reconstruction Enterprises.”

Because what’s better than forcing a country to surrender its land and military options?

Forcing it to pay — literally — for the privilege.

Imagine explaining this to any functioning adult:

“Yes, Ukraine must give Russia territory, promise never to defend itself, abandon NATO, and accept permanent vulnerability.

And in exchange, America gets to rebuild everything Russia destroyed — at a tidy profit.

And Donald declares world peace.

Ta-da!”

This isn’t diplomacy.

This is a geopolitical pyramid scheme dressed up as a Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech.

Ukraine loses land.

Ukraine loses security.

Ukraine loses agency.

Russia loses absolutely nothing.

And Trump gains the world’s largest government-mandated construction contract — all while calling himself a hero, a savior, a statesman, and possibly the Second Coming of Clausewitz.

If this is peace, then gravity’s a myth and war is just two countries politely exchanging artillery fire.

Dwain Northey (Gen X)

In this administration’s ongoing attempt to turn governance into a live-action board game night, our fictional Secretary of War-in-His-Own-Head, Pete Hegseth, has fully embraced the fantasy that running the Pentagon is basically playing adult Battleship—except instead of plastic pegs and a folding blue grid, he’s working with actual vessels, actual coordinates, and, inconveniently for everyone else, actual human beings.

From the outside, it certainly looks like he’s hunched over a giant game board in the Situation Room, gleefully calling out, “B6!” while some poor staffer whispers, “Sir… that’s an actual boat full of actual people.” But why let reality spoil the dramatic tension? In our satirical universe, every day is game night, and Hegseth is determined to win—even if it means enthusiastically sinking things that international law, diplomacy, and basic decency would prefer he leave afloat.

And as if real-world Battleship wasn’t enough entertainment, he’s also taken up a side quest: accusing Senator and astronaut Mark Kelly of treason for—how dare he—reciting the standard military oath. You know, the one that literally instructs service members not to obey unlawful orders. In this parody, Hegseth reacts as though Kelly just leapt across the table, flipped over the game board, and shouted, “YOU’RE CHEATING!”

You’d think someone so devoted to militaristic theatrics might have skimmed the UCMJ at least once, but here in satire-land, the man treats lawful process like it’s the “instruction manual” nobody reads when they open a new board game. Why bother with rules when you can just declare yourself the winner?

The administration’s whole approach feels like they wandered into the Pentagon thinking it was a combination arcade and escape room: push a few buttons, sink a few ships, accuse a few astronauts of treason, and wait for a high score to flash. The only problem—other than the obvious—is that this isn’t a game, and losing doesn’t mean resetting the board. It means destabilizing regions, violating norms, and turning American institutions into collateral damage for someone’s fantasy of being a wartime action figure.

But hey, in this fictional farce, at least Hegseth is consistent: whether it’s war powers or the oath of enlistment, everything gets treated like a rulebook he can throw across the room when it stops him from “winning.”

If only geopolitics came with the same safety warning as children’s games:

“Not intended for use by individuals who take themselves too seriously. Contains small parts. Choking hazard.”

Dwain Northey (Gen X)

It’s becoming impossible to pretend that Donald—our sundowning, grievance-powered, Florida-retired-but-still-somehow-president emeritus of chaos—is aging with anything resembling grace. We keep hoping, in some delusional national fantasy, that he might mellow into a folksy elder statesman, telling long meandering stories about golf carts and overcooked steak. Instead, he’s morphing into the exact same person he’s always been: a man marinated for decades in entitlement, bigotry, and the kind of tantrum energy normally reserved for toddlers denied a second juice box.

Reporters get called stupid. Governors get slapped with outdated and offensive insults that should’ve died somewhere around the time rotary phones did. And we all know—we all know—that just beneath the thin eggshell of his self-control lies an entire subterranean warehouse of racist, sexist, homophobic, and just plain vile vocabulary he’s itching to unleash. If his mental dams ever crack, it won’t be a leak; it’ll be a Category 5 sewage spill.

One shudders to imagine what he’s rehearsing in the privacy of his brain—what he wants to call Barack Obama, or Jasmine Crockett, or Pete Buttigieg, or Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. You can practically hear the gears grinding as he searches for the one slur he thinks will “own the libs,” unable to say the quiet part out loud only because his handlers are still quick enough to yank the mic.

And so here we sit. Watching this slow-motion demolition derby of ego, insecurity, and declining impulse control play out in real time. Observing a man who never learned to be decent become even less so. Witnessing a public meltdown that would be sad if it weren’t also dangerous—and exhausting—and utterly on brand.

It’s not a presidency anymore; it’s a live-streamed, unending shit show. And the worst part? None of us are surprised.

Dwain Northey (Gen X)

December—the twelfth and final month of the year, the grand finale, the big wrap-up, the universally accepted “we’re almost done, thank god” on the calendar. And yet, for anyone with even the faintest memory of a prefixes worksheet, the name sits there like a math error no one bothered to correct. Deca means ten. Ten! As in not twelve. As in “someone in ancient Rome needed a calculator.”

But no, the Romans were very proud of their numbering system, which—fun fact—did not include zero. This might explain a lot.

Originally, December actually was the tenth month, back in the days of the old Roman calendar, a cute little 10-month setup that ran from March to December. January and February didn’t exist yet, presumably because winter was an unpleasant inconvenience the Romans preferred to pretend wasn’t real—sort of like how modern people treat their inboxes.

Then someone finally realized, “Hey, the seasons aren’t lining up with the calendar,” and after a few too many political ego trips, calendar reforms, and probably a lot of wine, the Romans added January and February to the front of the year. A logical move—except they left the names of the other months exactly as they were. Because why fix the thing that’s obviously broken when you can just shrug historically and walk away?

Thus, December—“the tenth month”—became the twelfth month and just kept the name, as if no one would notice. And apparently, no one did. For centuries. Millennia, even. Now we all casually accept a calendar system where the months named Seven, Eight, Nine, and Ten are… months nine, ten, eleven, and twelve. It’s the chronological equivalent of labeling your kitchen drawers “Forks,” “Spoons,” “Knives,” and “Random Batteries & Scissors,” only to discover that none of the forks are actually where they’re supposed to be.

But in the end, this is humanity: we cling to tradition even when it makes no sense, we keep names long after they’ve stopped being accurate, and we nod politely at a calendar that insults our basic math skills.

Happy December—the month that reminds us, every year, that numbers are mostly a suggestion.

Dwain Northey (Gen X)

 Here is the million-dollar—sorry, billion-dollar—question: Will things magically snap back to normal the moment Donald J. Trump vacates the Oval Office? The same Oval Office that, thanks to his innovative interpretation of the Constitution, now doubles as a revenue center for the Trump Organization. The man practically treated the Emoluments Clause like a gym membership: something you technically pay attention to, but mostly ignore unless someone calls you out.

For years, Trump and the GOP have run a master class in “Norms Are Optional 101.” Remember when presidents used to worry about the appearance of impropriety? How quaint! Now the standard appears to be: “If you can fit it on a financial disclosure form—or avoid the form entirely—it’s totally fine.” So naturally, we must ask: What happens next?

Imagine, if you will, a hypothetical President Mark Cuban. A billionaire, flashy, loud, unfiltered—basically Trump but with… math skills. Now picture him announcing from the White House briefing room:

“Great news! I’m buying a downtown D.C. hotel for the low, low price of $750 million—totally unrelated to the fact that I’m the president. Also, I now own the Washington Wizards. Go Mavs-Wiz synergy!”

Would the GOP shrug because the precedent is set? Would they wave a tiny Constitution in surrender and say, “Well, Trump did it, so what are we supposed to do—hold Cuban to a higher ethical standard?”

Of course not.

They would explode so violently on cable news that the ambient temperature of the planet would rise three degrees. Overnight, they’d rediscover the sacred Emoluments Clause—dust it off, polish it, illuminate it with heavenly choirs. Suddenly, permitting presidents to enrich themselves would become the Greatest Threat to the Republic Since King George. Congressman after congressman would line up to declare:

“This is grossly unconstitutional! Outrageous! Impeachable! Possibly witchcraft!”

Impeachment articles would be written before Cuban finished his announcement. And the same politicians who shrugged at a president charging the Secret Service full luxury rates to stay at his own golf resorts would demand Cuban’s presidency be scrubbed, bleached, and burned from the historical record. “For the good of the nation,” they’d say, while clutching pocket Constitutions they hadn’t seen since 2016.

Because here’s the secret: norms aren’t destroyed forever—they’re destroyed selectively. They can be trampled by one guy and then instantly resurrected the moment they become politically convenient.

So will things change after Trump leaves office? Absolutely. They’ll snap back into place with cartoonish speed—

—but only if it’s someone other than Trump trying to run the presidential gift shop as a private business venture.

Until then, the Emoluments Clause remains less of a constitutional principle and more of a choose-your-own-adventure suggestion.

Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Donald Trump—America’s reigning Master of Delusion, self-certified Emperor of Everything, and part-time interior designer for the Versailles Cosplay Society—has once again stepped forward to assure his loyal disciples that he is deeply, profoundly, cosmically concerned about affordability. Yes, affordability. For you. For America. For the little people he wouldn’t share a golf cart with unless they were carrying his Diet Coke.

And what better way to show your commitment to affordability than by using donor funds—you know, money people thought they were giving to “save democracy” or “stop the deep state” or whatever this week’s merch slogan is—to build yourself a golden ballroom that would make King Midas say, “Tone it down, Don.”

But wait—don’t worry, he’s not stopping there. The Oval Office, a room historically defined by dignity, restraint, and solemnity, is now apparently being transformed into a Versailles theme room, complete with enough gold (real or spray-painted; does it matter?) to blind an unsuspecting tourist wandering in thinking they were at the White House and not an all-inclusive resort for narcissism.

Because nothing screams “I care about affordability” quite like decking out the nation’s most important office to look like a set rejected from Beauty and the Beast for being too aesthetically aggressive.

And then—oh, then—comes the pièce de résistance: the Affordability Award. Yes, the one he just created. The one that, shockingly, ranks affordability as the number one priority of his self-declared authoritarian to-do list. Never mind that the award appears to have been invented sometime between his morning rage-tweet and his afternoon spray tan. Never mind that it’s less an award and more a participation trophy he’s giving himself for pretending to care.

No, what matters is that The Great Affordability Defender is here, standing valiantly atop a pile of gold-leaf furniture and unfulfilled promises, declaring that he alone can fix it.

The minions swoon. The crowd cheers. The ballroom glitters. And affordability? Well, it’ll get handled right after the chandeliers are hung, the gold trim is polished, and the invoices are quietly forwarded to “donors” who thought they were funding a movement, not a monarchy-in-training.

But that, of course, is the magic of Trumpian reality: as long as he says he cares about affordability, then obviously he does. And if anyone disagrees, well—they must just be jealous that they weren’t invited to the golden ballroom of democracy, where affordability is treasured almost as much as a gilded toilet seat.

Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Donald Trump has always had a type. Some people like tall partners, some like funny ones, and Trump—well, Trump likes strongmen. Give him a uniform, a shiny sash, and the faint whiff of human-rights violations, and he swoons like a teenager at a boy-band concert. So it should surprise absolutely no one that he’s suddenly found himself with a full-blown geopolitical crush on Venezuela.

In the latest chapter of “Donald Does Diplomacy (Poorly),” Trump has apparently decided to unilaterally declare Venezuelan airspace a no-fly zone, despite the tiny logistical hiccup that he is not—nor has he ever been—the president of Venezuela. But since when has the lack of jurisdiction stopped him? If anything, it probably adds to the thrill. Forbidden fruit and all that.

And while the U.S. Navy deals with sketchy boats off Venezuela’s coast—because, yes, drug trafficking is a real thing—Trump’s over here fantasizing that he’s the sheriff of the Caribbean, slapping “NO FLYING IN MY SKY” signs on countries he doesn’t govern, like a Homeowners Association president gone rogue.

The big question, of course, is: why Venezuela? Why not fixate on literally any of the other countries he misunderstands?

Let’s explore some theories:

Theory 1: Oil, Glorious Oil

Trump loves oil the way toddlers love glitter—obsessively, carelessly, and without regard for the cleanup. Venezuela has a lot of it. Trump likes having things. Two plus two equals “I hereby annex this nation for totally legitimate freedom-spreading reasons.”

Theory 2: Dictator Solidarity

There’s also the Maduro factor. Trump has a documented soft spot for leaders whose idea of governance involves repression, state media, and long speeches praising themselves—so basically guys who remind him of himself, but with better military uniforms.

Maybe he sees Maduro as a kindred spirit. Maybe he thinks they could share fashion tips. Maybe he’s hoping for a dictator buddy-comedy deal on Netflix. Who knows?

Theory 3: He Just Wants to Declare Something

A no-fly zone. A war. A national emergency. A new flavor of Diet Coke. Trump is happiest when he’s declaring things. The content doesn’t matter. The point is the performance.

Declaring a no-fly zone over Venezuela gives him that nice warm authoritarian glow—like a weighted blanket, but full of constitutional violations.

Theory 4: The World’s Pettiest Real-Estate Deal

Trump has never met land he didn’t immediately imagine himself owning. Maybe he’s eyeing Venezuela the way a cartoon villain eyes a mountain shaped like a skull.

“He’s gonna put his name on the oil fields!” you can practically hear someone cry.

Yes. Yes, he probably would.

In the end, Trump’s Venezuela fixation isn’t about foreign policy or national security or even logic—God forbid. It’s about fantasy. The fantasy that he can bark orders at any country on Earth. The fantasy that he can crown himself Emperor of the Western Hemisphere. The fantasy that he can collect dictatorships like Pokémon.

And really, what’s more Trumpian than that?

If nothing else, it’s comforting to remember: the man can declare all the no-fly zones he wants. Venezuela will continue flying, and Trump will continue stamping his foot on a globe that doesn’t listen to him—just like everyone else.

Dwain Northey (Gen X)

We’ve now entered that magical time of year when the air fills with twinkling lights, peppermint-flavored everything, and the annual Festival of Public Greeting Anxiety. Some brave souls say “Happy Holidays,” others belt out a hearty “Merry Christmas,” and then there’s my personal favorite: the silent, side-eyed go screw yourself stare people deploy when they’ve decided that any deviation from their preferred seasonal salutation is an existential threat to civilization.

It’s always fascinating to watch certain folks get performatively secular or hyper-religious depending on who’s standing in front of them at Target. December contains a whole constellation of holidays—Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Yule, Solstice, Las Posadas, New Year’s, and that sacred American tradition of panicking about shipping deadlines. Yet somehow, only the supreme jackasses among us insist that the only acceptable greeting—the only one—is “Merry Christmas.”

This is, of course, the same crowd that has spent years insisting there’s a “war on Christmas.” A war that, as far as anyone can tell, has never had a single casualty, battle, or even a mildly disorganized skirmish outside a Starbucks. And then there was the pièce de résistance: the moment in his first term when Donald Trump proudly proclaimed that he had single-handedly rescued Christmas. From what, exactly? Unclear. Possibly from red coffee cups. Possibly from reality.

But the truth is simple: there was never a war on Christmas. No one banned it, burned it, or hid it under a tarp in a government warehouse. The holiday is doing just fine—and would continue to do just fine—without any political savior swooping in with a golden eagle podium and a self-congratulatory flourish. Claiming otherwise is, unsurprisingly, complete and total bullshit.

So as we wade into December, maybe the real spirit of the season is this: say whatever greeting you want, accept whatever greeting you get, and don’t let anyone convince you that acknowledging more than one holiday is some radical assault on tradition. After all, goodwill toward all is supposed to be part of the package—no matter how loudly some people insist it only comes in one brand.