Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Yes I know it’s Nobel not Noble.

Ah yes, Donald John Trump, King of Destruction, self-anointed heir to every Nobel Prize ever conceived, has once again demonstrated his unquenchable thirst for the Peace Prize he believes was unfairly stolen from him simply because Barack Obama received one first. And what better way to prove one’s status as a global dove of peace than by—naturally—dropping bombs on Iran. Truly, nothing whispers “international harmony” quite like military explosions lighting up the horizon.

It’s a bold strategy, really. Only a visionary of Trumpian magnitude could conclude that the path to Nobel glory is paved with cratered landscapes and a fresh batch of geopolitical chaos. While lesser minds cling to tired clichés like “diplomacy,” “de-escalation,” or “not antagonizing nuclear-adjacent nations,” Trump has once again reminded us that the real metric of peace is how loudly you shout “I don’t want war!” while firing missiles into the backdrop.

And let’s not forget the theatrics. Every great monarch needs his spectacle. There he stands—in his own imagination—cloaked in golden light, chin raised to the heavens, murmuring, “Take that, Obama,” as though international conflict were nothing more than a cosmic game show in which he accumulates points for every detonation.

One can almost picture the Nobel Committee sitting around, saying, “Well, he certainly made noise.” After all, who else but the King of Destruction himself could redefine peace as a full-contact sport? Who else could turn the concept of restraint into an optional side quest? Who else could transform foreign policy into a pyro-technically enhanced campaign ad?

And in the end, as the dust literally and figuratively settles, Trump will undoubtedly stride forward declaring himself the most peaceful man alive—the only statesman brave enough to pursue tranquility through repeated, high-yield demonstrations of strength. A dove, truly. A dove with talons, flamethrowers, and a PR team.

But hey, who are we to question it? If bombing a sovereign nation doesn’t earn you a Nobel Peace Prize in Trump’s world, what does?

Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Now that the government has reopened, the champagne corks are flying, confetti’s raining down, and we’re all supposed to pretend this was some great bipartisan victory — democracy restored, compromise achieved, kumbaya around the Capitol steps. But let’s not lose the plot here. The people didn’t capitulate. The movement didn’t cave. A handful — a very small handful — of Democrats decided to throw in the towel for reasons that sound noble if you squint hard enough and ignore the smell of political self-interest wafting through the air.

Yes, they’ll tell us it was for “the good of the country.” They’ll say ending the stalemate was “the responsible thing to do.” Meanwhile, the rest of us can still see the strings being pulled by corporate donors, pundits panicking about optics, and party strategists clutching their polling data like it’s the Holy Grail. It’s not that these few capitulated to reason — they capitulated to convenience.

So while the lights are back on in Washington and everyone’s patting themselves on the back for “saving” the country from another day of shutdown theater, the truth is that the fight never stopped. We still have a system where cruelty gets framed as fiscal responsibility and where empathy is treated as a liability.

No, this isn’t a moment to exhale and go back to brunch. It’s a reminder that every inch we gain in this mess is temporary unless we keep pushing — loudly, relentlessly, and yes, sometimes inconveniently. The government may have reopened, but the fight for a government that actually serves the people? That door’s been left cracked open just enough for us to kick it down again.

Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Ah, the 1990s—a simpler time, when America’s greatest moral crisis was a consensual Oval Office blowjob. Back then, the Christian Right and their congressional disciples clutched their pearls so tightly it’s a wonder there’s any oxygen left in the Bible Belt. Bill Clinton, they declared, was a disgrace to the nation, an immoral serpent slithering through the halls of power. The moral guardians of America—those pious champions of virtue—set out to cleanse the republic from the horrors of improper definition of sexual activity.

It wasn’t about the economy booming, or peace in Northern Ireland, or balanced budgets. No, the fate of civilization hinged on whether oral sex “counted.” Whole think tanks and church pulpits were suddenly devoted to parsing the metaphysics of “is.” Never before had the English language been so scrutinized by the self-righteous.

Fast-forward three decades, and the choir of chastity has gone strangely silent. Their harps are broken, their hymnals misplaced. The new high priest of the Republican temple—Donald John “Delusional Don” Trump—can be found in the pages of the Epstein files, yet not a whisper of outrage graces the airwaves of the evangelical empire. The same crowd that once proclaimed America’s very soul was at stake over Clinton’s indiscretion now shrugs at sex trafficking.

Apparently, morality has a party affiliation.

Because if you’re a Democrat who lies about an affair, you’re Satan in a suit. But if you’re a Republican who may have taken private flights on Epstein’s “Lolita Express,” well, praise the Lord and pass the campaign donations! Suddenly, forgiveness flows like holy water at a baptismal buffet. The same folks who demanded repentance from Clinton are now performing theological gymnastics to justify silence.

Remember when “character mattered”? When “family values” were the sacred cornerstone of conservatism? Funny how quickly “Thou shalt not commit adultery” turned into “Thou shalt not get caught—unless you’re a Democrat.”

The moral watchdogs of the 1990s have become the lapdogs of the 2020s, curled up comfortably at the feet of a man whose “grab them by the” philosophy seems to have replaced the Sermon on the Mount as Republican scripture. These are the same self-proclaimed defenders of children who now conveniently avert their gaze from an international child trafficking ring—because it might implicate their golden calf in a red tie.

The hypocrisy is almost poetic. In the 90s, it was “What kind of example does this set for our children?” Now it’s “Fake news, witch hunt, move on!” The once-purest of the pure have traded their moral high ground for Mar-a-Lago membership cards.

If Bill Clinton’s sin was a private indiscretion wrapped in shame and lies, Donald Trump’s sin is public depravity wrapped in arrogance and applause—and yet somehow, only one was deemed impeachable by the moral majority.

So here we are, America. The same people who thought the republic would fall because of one blue dress now can’t be bothered to open the Epstein files, which might reveal the true rot at the core of their power. Apparently, sanctity is situational, purity is partisan, and righteousness depends on your voter registration.

Welcome to the modern gospel of hypocrisy—where salvation is sold by the slogan, truth is optional, and the definition of “sin” is as flexible as ever.

Dwain Northey (Gen X)

It should come as no surprise to anyone with a memory longer than a goldfish that Donald Trump — five-time draft dodger, bone-spur extraordinaire — is once again taking aim at America’s veterans. His latest “policy genius”? Cutting benefits for the very men and women who raised their right hand to defend the nation he once hid behind a doctor’s note to avoid serving.

This is, after all, the same man who sneered that John McCain wasn’t a hero “because he was captured.” Yes, you read that right — the man who’s spent his life ducking responsibility had the gall to mock someone who survived years of torture in a North Vietnamese prison. In Trump’s world, courage is measured not by sacrifice or honor, but by how many deferments you can collect before the draft board stops calling.

Now, true to form, he’s turning that same disdain into policy — proposing cuts to veterans’ healthcare, housing programs, and disability benefits, all while bragging about his love for “the troops.” His supporters cheer as he waves the flag, but the minute the cameras are off, he’s gutting the very system that helps veterans recover, reenter society, and live with dignity.

It’s almost poetic in its hypocrisy. The man who dodged service five times now claims to “understand veterans better than anyone.” Sure — in the same way a con artist understands honesty or a fox understands henhouse security.

Trump’s legacy isn’t one of service or sacrifice; it’s one of selfishness and showmanship. Cutting veterans’ benefits isn’t policy — it’s punishment. It’s what happens when a man who’s never known courage or compassion is given power over those who have.

And maybe that’s the real tragedy: America’s heroes risked their lives for democracy, and now they’re being shortchanged by a man who wouldn’t risk his manicure.

Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Donald John Destructo’s Masterclass in “Genius” Economics and Health Care

Once again, ladies and gentlemen, the self-proclaimed stable genius Donald John Destructo Trump has unveiled another stroke of “brilliance.” The man who once said “who knew healthcare could be so complicated?” has apparently cracked the code: abolish Affordable Care Act subsidies and instead hand every family a crisp $2,000. Because obviously, when you’re staring down a six-figure cancer diagnosis, a couple thousand bucks should cover… well, maybe some snacks from the hospital vending machine and parking fees for your next biopsy.

Forget comprehensive healthcare — what Americans really need is pocket change and positive thinking. Why bother negotiating drug prices when you can just play the medical version of The Price Is Right every time you visit the pharmacy? It’s the kind of economic strategy that screams, “Let them eat Cheez-Its.”

And just when you thought his genius couldn’t outshine itself, Trump rolls out his latest fix for the housing crisis: the 50-year mortgage. Brilliant! Because if the average first-time homebuyer is between 30 and 40, why not make sure they finally “own” their home right before they’re laid to rest? Nothing says “the American dream” like holding a mortgage longer than most dictatorships last.

It’s financial innovation at its finest — the kind that guarantees you’ll never stop paying the bank, even if you try. Who needs generational wealth when you can have generational debt? Imagine passing the family mortgage down to your kids like a treasured heirloom: “Son, someday this interest rate will be yours.”

But this, apparently, is the new vision of prosperity — where healthcare is a one-time allowance and homeownership is a lifelong lease with delusions of grandeur.

Welcome to Trump’s America, where GoFundMe healthcare and 50-year home mortgages have become the new American dream.

Dwain Northey (Gen X)

An Open Letter from a Veteran

To my brothers and sisters in arms,

First and foremost, I want to thank every single one of you who raised your right hand and took that solemn oath—to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic. You stepped forward when others stepped back. You endured the long nights, the endless drills, the deployments, the homesickness, and the heavy weight of responsibility that only those who have worn the uniform truly understand. For your valor, your sacrifice, and your service—I salute you.

Now, in the same breath, allow me to raise something else—my middle finger—to those who so loudly “support the troops” every election season, yet turn around and vote for policies that gut veterans’ healthcare, housing, and mental health services. To the politicians who wrap themselves in the flag while cutting the benefits of the people who defended it—you don’t get to play patriot on TV and penny-pincher in Congress.

It’s easy to slap a yellow ribbon magnet on your SUV or stand for the national anthem, but real support doesn’t come from slogans or soundbites. It comes from action. From funding the VA properly. From ensuring no veteran sleeps on the street. From making sure our families don’t have to fight another battle when we come home.

So to every fellow veteran—thank you for your courage. To every civilian who genuinely supports us—thank you for your compassion.

And to every hypocrite who chants “support our troops” while voting against their well-being—spare us the performance. We’ve seen enough of those overseas.

Respectfully (and unapologetically),

A Veteran Who Still Believes in the Oath

Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Somewhere deep in the alternate reality that only he can access—call it Bizarro World Mar-a-Lago—Delusional Don lounges upon his gilded throne, bathed in the orange glow of self-adoration. In this strange kingdom, up is down, bad is good, and cruelty—naturally—is compassion. The peasants cheer (at least the ones who haven’t been declared fake people by his latest executive decree), while His Most Tremendous Majesty proclaims, yet again, that no president in history has ever had poll numbers this high.

Never mind that every credible pollster is quietly sobbing into a bar graph somewhere. In Bizarro Don’s head, the people love him more than Lincoln, more than Washington—hell, more than Jesus himself, who, let’s be honest, never hosted The Apprentice.

From the throne, he surveys the chaos like a man convinced he’s conducting a symphony, when in fact he’s setting the orchestra on fire. Inflation? “Just a gentle market correction,” he muses, as if the economy were merely stretching its legs after a brisk jog. Unemployment? “Totally fine, absolutely the best numbers ever.” And if, by some cruel trick of the Fake News Universe, those numbers happen to look bad—well, that’s obviously Joe Biden’s fault. Or the deep state. Or windmills.

Because in Bizarro World, Delusional Don can never be wrong. Every indictment is a medal of honor, every gaffe is “strategic genius,” and every golf score under 60 is, naturally, verified by God himself. His “syphilitic brain,” as some unpatriotic naysayers whisper, tells him he’s in the prime of health, with the “body of a 35-year-old NFL tight end.” Sure, maybe one who’s been tackled by reality a few too many times, but details, details.

And so he reigns on, surrounded by loyal courtiers nodding furiously at his every delusion. The economy is booming, the people adore him, and any evidence to the contrary simply proves how perfect he is. In the grand kingdom of Bizarro Trump, the truth is treason, facts are for losers, and logic is—well—another witch hunt.

Long live the King of Confusion. May his alternate reality remain safely quarantined from the rest of ours.

Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Essay: Lucy, the Football, and the Democratic Delusion

Well, congratulations, America — the grand tradition of Democrats falling for the same tired Republican routine continues. The government shutdown has come to a screeching, humiliating end, not with a roar of moral victory, but with the soft whimper of eight Democratic caucus members caving under the familiar weight of “promises.” Promises from Republicans, no less — the same people who would swear on a stack of Bibles they’ll “discuss” healthcare reform and subsidies for the ACA, and then promptly ghost the moment the ink dries.

Honestly, it’s the political equivalent of watching Charlie Brown once again believe that Lucy won’t yank the football away. You want to scream, “Don’t do it! Not this time!” But there they go, running full speed ahead, brimming with naïve hope and an unshakable belief in bipartisan good faith — and then, wham! flat on their backs, staring up at the sky wondering how it happened again.

Let’s be clear: Republicans didn’t promise reform. They didn’t promise protection. They promised to “discuss.” And “discuss” in GOP-speak means “we’ll hold a hearing, leak a headline, then bury the issue under another round of tax cuts for billionaires.” It’s a tried and true act, and yet Democrats — the party that prides itself on heart, empathy, and decency — keep playing straight into the hands of people who see empathy as weakness and decency as a punchline.

What’s truly maddening is that we’ve been here before. Time after time, Republicans weaponize crisis — whether it’s the debt ceiling, a government shutdown, or access to basic healthcare — and Democrats rush in to save the day, believing that if they just act reasonably, the other side will follow suit. Spoiler alert: they never do. The GOP doesn’t deal in good faith. They deal in chaos, manipulation, and delay tactics, all while Democrats keep bringing compromise to a knife fight.

So yes, the government will reopen, agencies will resume their work, and somewhere in the Capitol, a few smug Republicans are clinking glasses, toasting how easily Democrats can be bought off with vague promises of “future talks.” Meanwhile, the rest of us are left watching the rerun of a political sitcom where the punchline is always the same: the Democrats believed them again.

If history is any indicator — and it always is — those “discussions” about the ACA and subsidies will evaporate faster than a campaign promise in August. And when the next crisis comes (because it will), Lucy will be there again, holding that shiny football, smiling sweetly, saying, “Trust me this time.”

And tragically, someone will.

Dwain Northey (Gen X)

Oh good — the circus has a new act. Donnie “Dumbass” didn’t just stumble back into his old gangster costume; he mailed the tux to the courthouse, handed the gavel a whoopee cushion, and instructed his lawyers to turn civil procedure into a holiday special. A federal judge ordered the administration to release full SNAP benefits for millions of Americans — and the White House promptly asked the higher courts to stop it. Translation: instead of fixing the problem, they’re filing appeals so they can keep the drama going. Delicious. 

Imagine the scene: a judge says “pay the benefits,” and the federal government responds like a temperamental nightclub owner whose bouncer just insulted his shoelaces — file an appeal, stall the payment, and watch people scramble. That’s not governance, that’s performance art where the props are hungry children and canceled prescriptions. The USDA even told states to undo any steps they’d taken to issue full benefits — because nothing screams competent leadership like a national memo ordering charity back into its box. Meanwhile, the administration asks the Supreme Court for a timeout so they can keep the tap trickling. If you wanted a live demonstration of “how to ruin a holiday,” this is the hands-on lab. 

And yes, let’s make it personal and petty: picture Donald on the phone, voice cracking with indignation, “Those are nice kids you’ve got there — shame if anything happened to their Thanksgiving.” Only it’s not some movie threat; it’s real-time policy theater. The states sued, attorneys general filed briefs, and courts ordered money released — and the administration answered by suing the court’s effect (through appeals) so families might literally go without their November benefits. It’s a Thanksgiving special entitled We’ll Appeal That Turkey Right Off Your Table. If cruelty had a PR campaign, this would be its billboard. 

Let’s be blunt: it’s not a budget debate. It’s ransom dressed up as “fiscal responsibility.” The script is the same: hold essential services hostage, demand more tax cuts for the comfortable, and call anyone who objects a nation-wrecking hysteric. The arithmetic is simple — stall the payments for tens of millions, make a spectacle of the court fights, then declare victory when the wealthy get their buffed tax cuts and the rest of the country gets lecture notes on austerity. If you want to know who counts in this ledger, follow the mailbox: palatial estates collect checks; pantry shelves collect dust. 

So go ahead, file the appeals, send the briefs, and let law clerks stay up late drafting polite ways to say “we paused hunger.” Call it judicial review or executive prerogative if you must — but the fallout is plain as gravy on mashed potatoes: families missing meals, SNAP cards with less and less, and a nation watching a president litigate Thanksgiving into scarcity. The satire writes itself: a would-be mob boss in a suit of statecraft, suing the very judge who told him to stop playing with people’s lives — because why fix hunger when you can headline it? Keep your receipts. Keep your anger. And for God’s sake, keep the cranberry sauce out of reach of the people running this show — they clearly prefer the taste of headlines to the taste of humility.